a good (looking) cause

I don't know if you've ever met my neighbor - the unique and fabulous Michael - if not I hope you do someday.

He works as a hairdresser at Glam Salon in Shadyside and very recently he has combined his profession with his very huge heart!

From now until October 27th you can call Glam Salon (412 681 0690) and schedule a hair cut. When you do, all $35 of your cut will go to the Bethleham Haven Women's Shelter! (just be sure to mention the shelter when you schedule)

If you you want to help but aren't in the mood for a new look, they are also accepting women's deodorant and women's socks. Then the hairdressers will take all donations and money to the shelter late this month when they go and make dinner for the women that stay there.

So here's the deal, I know two things: (1) it feels great to see success in a project that Michel takes on, especially for such a worthy cause and (2) it feels great to get a new hair style!.... so if figured why not pass this along.

MY hair? you're wondering about my hair?

so kind of you to ask! thank you!

its a mess.

The shaved surgical patch is growing in so fast. Its fairly healthy looking and full, unfortunately, my scant and scraggly long hair barely covers it. I've taken to calling the back of my head 'nature's bumpit'. If you've never moved a bouffant pouf to the back of your head - long thin hair on the sides, nothin' on top - let me just save you the trouble - its not pretty!

its this kind of fabulous in all the wrong places

Lately I've been teasing up other parts of my hair to compensate (mostly by laying around and not combing it - don't judge). My other option is to pull my hair up in a pony tail, unfortunately, this exposes the fast growing patch again - and if you thought the bumpit was bad, oh man, the "hidden rat tail" is way worse. If I let this go much longer, it'll have to be renamed the "under mullet" and I tried to look for a google image of that - it's not a style. Under Mullet doesn't exist in even in the mullet-est of places.

So know I need to get a cut to fix things and I don't know what that cut will be. A friend suggested the "Carrie Mulligan." I google imaged her and I find her to be freaking adorable.

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I'll do what we all do- take a red carpet picture of a gorgeous actress to a salon

tell them "make me look like this"

and expect the blond that had 5 hours of prep to appear magically, 

in place the brunette that hasn't showered in days.

(that being said - what you you think of the long layered pixie cut? could I totally be her?!?)

eh, whatever my hair troubles, I know Michael will fix it! At the very least he's fantastic at compliments, small talk, and pampering - I could us an afternoon of that too!

As a side note, I do have gratitude that my problems in this post deal with rogue hair and not where I will sleep tonight... the work done Bethlehem is truly wonderful.

What's been going on in my head...

I haven't been posting much these days and its probably as good a time as any to say why. (its also a long one, so refresh that cup of coffee first then sit down for the story)

The clinical trial that I took part in a number of months ago called me in May to go over the results. Entirely unrelated to the study, they found some issues with the gross anatomy of my brain. Reviewing my prior MRIs, it was there as well. So in this fortunate series of events, the doctor discovered something called Arnold Chiari Malformation, Type 1.

This is Arnold Chiari Malformation, as basic as I can describe it: my brain was jostled into the wrong place, so that the bottom part of it (the cerebellum) is pressing through the hole that exits my skull (the foramen magnum). This acts like a tub stopper, causing a build up of cerebrospinal fluid and blood. That build up puts pressure on the brain and alerts the Arnold Chiari patient of the number 1 symptom: a severe headache.

this is from the chiari institute.

you'll have to believe me, that its way more satisfying to see one's own brain scan and not a diagram

(then an invisible pain is made tangible and its finally something)

I still have a concussion (as evidenced by the clinical study). I have concussion symptoms not explained by Arnold Chirai. But I also have Arnold Chirai symptoms not explained by concussions. Then I have a handful of symptoms where the two overlap. Picture, if you will, a venn diagram with things like "constant headache, noise sensitivity, sleep disturbance, difficulty concentrating" in the center. After they treat the Chiari, they have stressed that there is no nice, neat percentage of a chance they can put on these overlapping symptoms going away. They have no way of knowing what my concussion is like, underlying the Chiari. I have two extremely rare circumstances put together, which makes a prognosis near impossible. (Keep in mind we're coming off of 4 really really tough years, so 'no guaranteed result' is still music to our ears)

But we have to treat the Chiari. I've had fluid flow scans to show that there is blockage. I have significant Chirai specific symptoms. Without treatment, it will remain, forever (and possibly get worse). I have two brain conditions now and the good news is that one can be handled.

On a more positive note, this news is also the first hope I've had that things could change for me. Neil and I had braced ourselves for a future where I wake up every single day with this almost unbearable pain. I felt like I was in a long, dark tunnel. Hearing this, it seemed like I could take a short cut into the light. The idea that I could begin to feel even remotely better is such a gift. That I could have room to breathe... even a inch... changes our whole future

For the few of you who don't already know, Arnold Chiari treatment involves a "decompression", which is a misnomer that means brain surgery, but sounds like putting your feet up after a long day at work. They remove my top few vertebrae to gain access to the descended cerebellum (called tonsils), they shave open my foramen magnum wider so fluid can flow again, and they go up to lift the dura (layer surrounding my brain) to secure my brain in its proper place. For the medically fascinated, you can watch versions of it on youtube. I think its all amazing. (For the weaker stomaches that don't want a visual but want to know some more, here is a good link about what I have comin)

My hospital stay will be 3-5 days, then a pretty brutal 3 month recovery. But here's the good news friends, I have an A+ in recovery! If I were to put anything on a job resume after all these years it would be "enduring massive amounts of pain" (and I would sub-bullet point that with "getting stitches without Novocain" and "repeatedly lifting my body weight into a truck on a broken shoulder" and "having a constant headache for over 1,550 days" ) ... which makes me the perfect candidate for this particular venture.

My surgery is scheduled for August 22. For anyone out there keeping track, that's the date of our 2 year wedding anniversary. Soooo, there's that. People keep asking us how we are doing and I think having the surgery on our anniversary seems to sum it up well. Sure we slyly joke about staying in an 'all inclusive' when people innocently ask "what are your anniversary plans?" but honestly, its really the pits and not normal to spend that day with a gauze wrapped head and a foley catheter. Sure we know there will never be a day in our future when life will be perfect - there will always be some problem or another - and we know some people truly have it worse... however, if I'm being so very honest, there are rare times we can't help but look at the lives of our peers and we can't help but compare. In those times that old sports chant comes to mind... "nuts and bolt, nuts and bolts, we. got. screwed."

But we're not special, every single one of you have probably uttered the phase 'life isn't fair'... I'm allowing that my husband gets to say it too, as he spends the afternoon of our anniversary holding his breath and hoping the statistics are in my favor, instead of making dinner reservations.

We go through everything together. I know there's people out there that have husbands that travel or even more difficult, husbands that are in the military. But all I know is our pattern and our pattern is that I struggle every day and he is by my side every day. Which makes this so terribly hard. Because he will sit in a waiting room and I will wheel off to an OR. And that's right about the time when I want to hold his hand (on our anniversary).

But we're also not special in that we're not alone in joy. Every single one of you has probably said 'I can't believe how lucky I am.' ...when I wake up and see him I'll feel that sentiment in waves. And then, so his fear can melt away and he'll know the wife he loves is with him again, I'll say something cheesy like "you make me the happiest lady in the whole entire neuro-surgical recovery unit"

But how are we really? I think best answer is that we are resilient. And we do have hope with our fear. And we are okay. And we feel that we can look back on this day as another type of milestone - "The day when our lives started over, yet again." Once the pain passes (which I have to believe it will), we can have a fondness for it all. And we'll thank God for a sense of humor. So this day being such a big day for us is like this whole thing - it has ups and downs and its all kind of overwhelming.

Many of you have been so generous and kind and amazing and asked us what you can do for us. Right now the answer is simple "we don't know." This is uncharted territory. Right now we are saying a firm no to food and no to anything else. But that could change - Neil does love Cliff Bars, he might get a craving - or I might be able to keep some food in my belly at some point and then we might celebrate by accepting groceries. (you see, they expose the equilibrium and vomit center of my brain to air during the surgery, which must be like spraying a cat with a squirt gun, apparently it gets super angry)

Part of us wants to do what we did for the first months that we knew about all this and stay in a cocoon - only emerging on a day when we can say with joy and NORMALCY, "oh, me? lately? I'm just hanging out. My co-workers are lame. Work is boring. Life is great. Yada Yada. how about you?"

But we have reluctantly grown to accept that is not where we are right now. We are uprooted. We have such big emotions all the time - big hope, big fear, big excitement, big nervousness, big joy, big uncertainty. Just venturing out on a limb to share this isn't easy. Its hard at a time when we feel buoyant with hope to greet someone's sadness. And its near impossible when we feel overwhelmed by what we're facing to hear encouragement or to hear - well, anything. That leaves all you lovely readers and caring hearts in quite the predicament of how to interact with us, doesn't it?

But we ultimately decided its better to be exposed. To risk the highs and lows with everyone. Because since we started telling people, we started getting cards in the mail (and texts and phone calls). Simple, sweet, messages. Mostly they say "thinking of you." and mostly they come when I feel like I'm pulled so tight I'll break. Its made our vulnerability worth the outpouring of support.

Although We're always struggling with the idea of how much to share and how much to keep private, we came to the decision to use this blog as the place to be open. My limited readership is mostly family, close friends, and 4 people in Russia. Since my humble blog isn't an internet sensation, we thought this would be the best place to inform you on what's going on.

So you don't need to call and ask and so Neil doesn't need to spend the bulk of his time updating individually - Neil will be taking over my blog. He will post on this site on the day of surgery and in the long months following. You can check in for updates on me without feeling like you're 'bugging' us and I promise he won't go into detail when I spend the whole day puking. (He's also concise - which means you get a break from my run on sentences.)

Dear loved ones (if you've read all the way to the end you are very dear and most likely a loved one),
I want to thank you now, because our most fervent prayers 'to feel lifted up in love, care, kindness, and support' have already been answered so fully we can hardly believe it. As a bonus, of course, it would also be really super great to make it through surgery okay and then not have these headaches anymore either. Thank you, thank you, I really do adore you all, four years and then some is a long time to pray and care so much, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

Waiting

"Waiting is the in-between time. 

It calls us to be in this moment, this season, 

without leaning so far into the future that we tear our roots from the present. 

When we learn to wait, we experience where we are 

as what is truly substantial and precious in life. 

We discover, as T.S. Eliot wrote, "a lifetime of burning in every moment."' 

- Sue Monk Kidd

I'm in a time of waiting and I'm trying to do it well. 

I'm trying to be in the moment (the long, dragging moment)

Which means my coffee beans are ground, then pressed the french way.

And I drink slowly with the nice mug, and a good book.

And I listen to this song that my cousin Maryl loves.

I listen to it over and over till lumineers fill every corner of my home.

And I contemplate breaking my new years resolution to not buy any clothing,

because I got a few wonderful birthday notes that said "treat yourself"

And I wait.

novel-ty suits

According to the website MATCHBOOK, its now a thing to match your bathing suit to your book. (thus the name, match-book)

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I wanted to insert all sorts of snarky comments about disposable income and embarrassment for what the first world people trouble themselves with...

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but then I proceeded to scroll though every single outfit/book combo on that site. (and ok, maybe, just maybe, I even wondered if any suits I already own worked for any books). 

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Since the internet has drawn me into devoting time to things that don't matter, I feel I should impart these things to you - so we can share in the time wasting guilty pleasures. 

(you can even read the compelling story of how this girl came up with the idea to combine suits with books *spoiler alert, she saw a girl reading a book and it happened to match her swim suit)

August

I love that years have seasons, phases to help mark the passing of time.

Autumn has always been my favorite which makes my ability enjoy the end of summer a little trying.

Plus this summer has already felt stretching and difficult and long.

But August has its upsides, and I don't want it to pass me by with out fully enjoying what it has to offer.

Here is a list of what I'm looking forward to this month...

29

This is the month I round out the third decade of my life, turning twenty nine! 

I love my birthday for its ease of remembering:

8 - 3 - 83

I used to hate my summer birthday because I never got a fun pencil and school party.

Here's a fun birthday breakdown to see how common your birthday is
(even if you'd rather believe its special, like I do).

Big Night

Just like the delightful movie "Big Night" 

(which you should immediately stream on Netflix if you've never seen it)

my mother is hosing a truly magical evening of great food and atmosphere.

I'm having close friends to her yard for many small courses,

broken up with drinks and music and dancing late into the night.

It will be a bella sera

Sneak Away

We have a wedding this month in West Virginia, and even though we could make the drive home,

we decided to splurge for a hotel room.

We have a mini bottle of champagne and a deck of cards and each other.

We have plans to sleep in sunday and hike, have "church" in a park, and eat a picnic lunch.

All these plans could be dashed if my head doesn't cooperate...

but even the idea of turning a simple wedding into a full weekend sneak away is delightful.

"Camp" Weekend

I love to go camping, and by "camping" I mean: 

renting a cabin with a group of friends that has full amenities. Then I make a cocktail and eat dip and laugh till it hurts.

Mid-month, we are going away with Neil's college friends - a group of unspeakably fun people. Its hard to believe didn't know them until I started dating Neil. Even though they aren't technically my friends, I couldn't be more excited to spend a weekend "roughing it" with this group. 

Olympics

I wish I could say I were looking forward to watching this.

I want to get swept up in the emotions.

But I have to admit that I feel just like my friend Tom - "meh"

(and he even persuaded me to feel "feh")

Sangria

It takes the two great items: fruit and wine, then lets them marinate.
I like this standard sangria recipe
but there's also this fresh recipe for peach mango pineapple white sangria

or go crazy with thai basil sangria
again, its fruit and wine, you can't go wrong!

Summer Movies

Remember all that talk about our Summer Movie Fantasy League?

Well Team Orbin is currently in first place!!

And on the weekend of Aug 17th the last three movies on our team are released

(poor planning there, but oh well)

So if you are too hot to stay outside, go and see one of these flicks and help clinch a victory:

Paranorman, Sparkle, Expendables 2

I will be at E2 because they got a new writer and new director since the first one,

(and I was one of the fans that didn't think there was anything wrong with the first one.)

Ordination
My wonderful friend Caitlin has put in many years of work to graduate from Seminary (and pass a crazy test and then get a wonderful job working in the prison systems.)
This month she will have the blessing of gathering her friends, family, mentors, and church to see her Ordination. I consider myself honored to be in that room of people... really I feel honored to have been with her along all those steps it took to get into that room.
I can't wait to whoop it up for my friend that has accomplished so much 

Re-vamps

This month we are doing an all out cleaning of our apartment.

(This is not something I look forward to.)

In doing so, we are changing some things around... and I love change!

New color bed sheets will do a lot for a girl.

We're also officially turning "the guest room" into

"THE PITT ROOM... that people can also sleep in"

Maybe we'll re-arrange kitchen furniture and switch up the living room, then I'll be oh so satisfied!

Anniversary

We get to celebrate our two year anniversary this month!!

Year 2 is the cotton anniversary, which has made gift planning fun and cottony.

Our exact plans for the day are interesting, to say the least, and I'll share more about them soon.

For now I can say, I've never been so happy to have my husband by my side.

Avocado Dip
I've made this avocado cream dip several times and I just don't think I could go back to guacamole any time soon. This stuff is just too dreamy and good!
I make the recipe with less oil and slightly less stock. I also completely ignore the tofu part (its a horrible tofu recipe) and I serve it with vegetables (zucchini strips or red peppers) or wheat thins or tortilla chips.... or I just eat this with a spoon.
You can pour it over a corn salsa or a bean dip or fish tacos .. or just eat it with a spoon!

Little Ones!!!

This month has a couple of special dates for little gherkins in our life.

My genius nephew (I said it, he's a genius) turns one!!!

and
Neil's cousin has a squeezable, perfect, little girl that also turns one on the same day!!
AND

My cousin Tony and his wife Katie are due to have a baby -
this is a little kid I cannot wait to love oh so very very suffocatingly much,
this child will begin to stiff arm my kisses as soon as it gains the upper body strength.


I hope you are enjoying the last month of the summer season. Feel free to share what ever it is you may be looking forward to, it might help pull me through this long month and into the fall.

into a corner

Neil and I have been treating this summer with a social reckless abandon... and its making me sleepy.

Our case of senioritis has given us fantastic weekends and spontaneous weeknight events with exhausted days and a messy house. (isn't that always the first thing to be pushed to the back burner?)

So while I once again pay the fun tax this monday, I am greatly enjoying this photography by my cousin (and very talented photographer) Kevin J. Colle

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About this photo, he says: "Doing dishes in a small kitchen takes some planning, but when you are a procrastinator you become an engineer."

I love this so much.

I'm an expert procrastinator which means in the next day or so I'm going to have to become an engineer. Good luck to you if you're in the same boat as me and my family. 

(If you're not a procrastinator and you feel bright eyed today... screw you, don't talk to me.)

HAPPY WEEKEND! hope its full of "i do"

photo by Laura Phillips

Is it me or is the wedding season in full swing? (our next two weekends are packed with wedded bliss)

I love attending weddings so much! I think they are that secret perk of being married that no one told me about... "you mean I get to dress up, have a fancy date with my husband, see people I care about, dance, eat cheese squares with spicy mustard, AND not even have to check the weather!?! Actually, I don't have to plan one single detail. Just sign the card!!" um, yes please - at least one a month.

Some people attend weddings and think - "oh, if only I could do mine over again" - where as, I'm thinking, "this attending weddings thing is tops... nice touch with the chair covers, by the way. I didn't spring for it, but it looks great. Now where is the cheese?"

I never used to cry at weddings. Now I squeeze Neil's hand the whole ceremony and sputter like a baby. every. stinking. time. I know they're going to say "in sickness and in health" and yet it bowls me over. So I predictably turn to my darling husband and ask "Is my eye makeup smeared?" and predictably he says "no honey, you look great." while opting not to mention the snot on my face. I love not being the bride- because that whole interaction doesn't take place in front of everyone I know.

weepy mess

 captured by hot metal studios

If you haven't crossed over to the other side of already married, blissful wedding hopping, maybe some of this will help:

Two lovely wedding sites with a million resources are 100 layer cake and once wed. Makes planning a wedding (somewhat) more simple.

And I can't say enough about our choice in registry. We went with alternative gift registry. Its a site that allows you to enter in all your own choices from anywhere. You can simply say "crockpot" or you can add a link to the specific Target crockpot you love. And there's space to type so you can tell the people "we want this crockpot because every sunday we make pulled pork for the whole family." (then people can feel invested). There is freedom to link up to a million sites and there's freedom to have guests shop around for where they can get a good deal. I ADORED the gifts we got because we could be practical by saying "we need wooden salad bowls" and still get unique items, like the wooden bowl from kenya (you can't scan gun that baby at Macy's!)  We were able to request framed photos from my cousin Kevin's website, which decorated our home beautifully and supported an artist we love. We even added a bunch of 'mix CDs' to our registry and people added them in with their cards. We listened to them on our drive to our honeymoon!
I could go on and on - but seriously, alternative gift registry. the best.

From the greatest thing to the worst thing: the guest list...ughhh the guest list. Never in our lives have we been forced to classify people we love and then cut them out. Friends vs. Family - who wins? and Person he likes a lot vs. Person we both know? and  Long time buddies vs. New friends? Making the list is the worst. period. I once heard the suggestion "Don't invite someone that you wouldn't/haven't had to dinner at your place." Either we know a lot of awesome people or we have a low bar for social eating; that advice helped very little...

photo by Hot Metal Studio

My guest list advice is that you will never please everyone and you will never get it right, so stress as little as possible. Be honest with those you had to cut (the very frank 'hey we're really in a bind but we want you know we care about you. can we get together soon." goes over much better than radio silence and no invite). And try focus on the top few names you wrote down (siblings, roommates, wedding party) - those are the very important people that WILL be there - this helps to distract from the game of musical chairs you have to play with the other spots of distant cousin vs. co-worker buddy. Truth is, within one calender year you'll drift away from several guests and you'll cement other relationships that will make you say "I can't believe we didn't have so-and-so there!" It is inevitable.

So much of what is acceptable in terms of wedding etiquette is changing. Can you put a website on your invitation? Is it okay to have the grooms side pay for some of the wedding? And speaking of registries - is is okay to register for parts of your honeymoon? What do you think? We had a debate about electronic RSVP over snail mail response cards. The times, they are in limbo.

How do you buy gifts for someone for their wedding - do you buy on registry (Is that practical? Is that boring?) or do you go rogue (and risk getting them that thing they hate)? or something in between (for example a few cooking items on registry plus your favorite cookbook)? One of my favorite off-registry gifts was the Wedding Gift Crate from Penzeys Spices. My Step-dad knew how much we loved cooking and made the leap, since then we've purchased the gift for several others.

check out all that you get!

Nothing makes or breaks a wedding like the music. While I'm always a fan of hearing the good ol' fashioned "Shout" at a reception - my secret favorite is a little Marvin Gaye, "Let's Get It On."  Do you have a favorite song? I always love knowing what people played at their wedding. In my humble opinion, no wedding is complete without the contemporary classic "Let Get Married (remix)" by Jagged Edge.

and if you're in need, my cousin and I know all the words. We'd be happy to show up at your reception to rock out the rap parts at the amazement of your guests...

So after the reception is the grand farewell right? Thats what they show in all the movies (here, here, here, etc). I have yet to go to a wedding where the bride changes her outfit and runs out between a line of guests like its High School football. Then hops into a chauffeured car and gracefully waves while everyone holds sparklers. Has anyone experience this? Please tell me. Until then, I put it in the same file along with getting your shoe stuck in a sewer grate at the same time a handsome man is walking by to save you - "amazing crap that's only in rom-coms" but hey, I'm willing to be proven wrong.

Our grand farewell: at the end of the reception, several giant platters of hoagies came out. (and she lived happily ever after)

Any advice or input you want to add to those who are planning to say I DO? or are you like me, on the other side, just enjoying the fact that the only thing you need to worry about is "If I start with champagne, is okay to move to gin and tonic?" and "How do I best hide from the cameraman while I dance like a fool?" oh the good life! mazel tov!!

"Hey, Nice Split-Brain. Can I buy you dinner?"

A lot of months ago - it was April, to be exact - I was fortunate enough to be accepted into a trail study.

The clinical trial is one that's looking into a new kind of MRI. This new scan is non-invasive and can show 257 aspects of the brain's functioning. It can give great insight into how neurons are firing and how fibers are tracking after a traumatic brain injury... which can have huge implications for treatment and care.

Its called High Definition Fiber Tracking, HDFT for short (or sometimes it goes by the slang term 'woah that girl's brain is stunning!')

I framed one of the photos because,

seriously....

did you have any idea I was so good looking inside?

Here is an article on some of the breakthrough work being done with HDFT, and I must say, I'm a huge fan of Dr Okonkwo.

While the thick packet of results was a bit disheartening, I had to remind myself, this is still a study and the brain is still an enigma. I have parts that are severed and very much broken. However, after getting clothes-lined out of a cattle car, I'm not shocked to see that there's damage.

It doesn't mean my brain hasn't or won't find new pathways. So I've decided to take the results not as a sentencing, but as this: fascinating and beautiful and full of potential.

the pictures are hard to understand,
but here is one of my broken parts you might be able to see...

my corpus callosum (the thing down the middle, allowing left and right to communicate) 

was torn in places and you can detect this by how the red strip in the center is short,
it doesn't extend fully to the top or bottom
(its cool, I'll just add a case of the ol' split brain to my long list of things).

There's a song by Frou Frou called "Let Go" and we listened to it on repeat junior year of college. In the lyrics they say "There's beauty in the breakdown." and for some reason that keeps coming to me when I see these lovely photographs. 

I'm sure if you had your head checked out by the new-fangled HDFT it would look nice, but I'm choosing to believe mine is just tops. Mostly because of the damage... because the sheering and the gaps that say to me yet again "I shouldn't be here - taking in air and looking at my own, gorgeous, messed-up brain - but I am. I'm here. And there's beauty in that breakdown." 

Marriage Advice

This weekend I'm fortunate enough to officiate a wedding for a truly wonderful couple.

While I put the final touches on sermons and vows, I'm thinking about great marriage advice.

This article by Lydia Netzer is so sweet and honest. I love all her tips, especially, "make a husband pact with your friends" - I think the way you talk to your spouse and about your spouse is so very important.

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I also think there is something so wonderful about realistic love... not the grand sweeping things we see in romantic movies. So I'm posting my favorite clip from my favorite romantic movie. (Actually its my second favorite clip. I couldn't find the "She's heard me say I love you a million times but she's never heard me say I'm sorry" scene from Die Hard, so this will have to do)

And I love the song "Born" by Over the Rhine (a husband and wife duo). When Karen and Linford were going through a rough patch in their marriage they decided to buy a case of wine and sit down with a bottle every night until it was gone. They would use that time to talk and to listen - to let things unfold.

I'm not sure that 'drink a case of wine' is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of standard marriage advice but I love that story because the two of them stayed together and this gorgeous song came out of it...

Other fun marriage advice I've heard includes "laugh a lot" and "fight naked"

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Any good tips you'd like to add? I always love to hear what makes a good marriage thrive!

HAPPY WEEKEND! hope the clouds lift

This is a dreary day and I feel the best thing to do is embrace it...

sorry guys

With a low rumble of thunder I'm reminded that, yes, its still raining. And while I tend to love a good downpour, its now been days of rain and I was hoping to play outside all weekend with my cousins and even dive into this new game.

I like the idea of a cheery umbrella (see below), but let's not kid ourselves... this is how we all really feel, am I right?

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Running has been kicking my butt lately and hot yoga has been making me woozy so I wasn't surprised yesterday when my doctor delivered his official opinion: cool it. (not in those exact words, he was more doctory). This isn't devastating because (1) there are bigger things in life to mourn (2) I haven't been getting out there much, and (3) running has been so very painful and hard. However, I'm still pouting. You don't know how much you want something until someone says 'no' (just ask a toddler, they get it).  So good bye running shoes. Hello um, well, I don't know... sensible flats? this is lame.

And waking up to news of a mass shooting in Colorado was, for lack of ways to phrase it, a terror. Putting myself in the place of anyone in that theater is virtually impossible. I don't know anything that big, that scary. Maybe thats part of why our nation is so in shock - because the bottom dropped out of what we know of as 'safe'. We can calculate risk of flying in a plane or having surgery but seeing a movie? That should carry zero risk. It opens us up to fragility of life everywhere. So when we can't even begin to imagine what the victims and their families must feel, we can say with shock, 'I see movies, that could have been me."  

I just finished a book called "We Need To Talk About Kevin" by Lionel Shriver. Its about a teenage boy that goes on a killing spree in a school. Its all written from the mother's perspective and over the hundreds of pages you feel drawn so close, right into her nightmare. It is a disturbing and chilling novel and it is really well done. I can say it was good in the same way I can say I liked Schindler's List (both of them were terrible, does that make sense?). It effected me deeply, getting into the psychology of this family. So hearing about the shooting in Aurora, CO - the first thing I thought of was the mother of the shooter. I attribute this thought to how well the book was written. Now I can't get her out of my head. This article says she had an instinct, before knowing any details of movie theater killing, she instantly said 'you have the right person.' That gives me chills.

But I won't delve too deeply down that rabbit hole. For the people of Denver, this must seem larger than life. That's the nature of tragedy, it swallows everything else around it. But clouds eventually lift (not that the platitude is of any comfort on a stormy day like today). Sooner or later life's events that were shrunken and made insignificant by pain will demand to be noticed again. The bills and the baby showers and phone calls will resume normal size, thus compressing all mourning until it only fits in corners and closets. When people say 'in time this will feel better' I don't think they mean "you're pain will go away". I've found the meaning to be - "Time is a force... and inevitably this pain that's in the foreground will have to shift around. Time will move things back to almost right size"

This weekend is two years since my cousin passed away. The pastor hinted at the idea of what I said above in his sermon at the funeral. I've thought about it (and expanded on it) a lot since. I've thought about my cousin a lot since too - although the pain isn't as big as it was then. I don't remember much from the service, but I remember his step-sister singing a breathtakingly beautiful version of 'hallelujah'

I will say to you I hope the clouds lift, but I know for a fact that they do. I am a firm believer that there can be good along with the bad. This weekend a large group of my cousins are gathering and its something I've looked forward to what feels like ages. Despite the rain, it will be wonderful.

old, new, borrowed...

I have a number of great books lined up in my reading queue for this month, so many that I feel a bit of the overwhelm as the library notifies me of their return dates...

Dark Star Safari 

by Paul Theroux

summary here

Haunted

by Chuck Palahniuk

summary here

Infinite Jest

by David Foster Wallace

summary here

and these are just the ones I have currently checked out from the library... my 'to read' list is a mile long and ever, wistfully, wonderfully growing! (and I'm always taking suggestions) 

But I find myself torn between venturing into the books that I have yet to read and returning the few I've read over and over - the ones I love so much, that they feel like home. I feel this way about travel as well. With a whole world out there, do I see something new or do I go back to a place I adore? And that great restaurant - do I try out more of the menu or do I go with the dish that I know will satisfy? 

So I might risk that hefty fine of five cents and shelf those borrowed books for an old one that has long been my favorite. I read it every time I'm going through something. That is to say, I only pick it up it when I need it. (sadly, I don't want to admit to you how many times I've creased its cover.) Despite it's cheesy sounding title of "When the Heart Waits"; it's very real and honest and good to me. 

When the Heart Waits

by Sue Monk Kidd

summary here

Which are you... always seeking the new? or comfortably resting in the old? I find I need a balance of both, but if I'm honest, I trend towards the new. I don't like the idea of something fun or exciting existing and I don't know about it. (I was always the last to fall asleep at slumber parties). 

Do you have a book you go back over and over again... a book with deep spine grooves and crinkled pages and passages that you remember by what they mean to you at different phases of your life? Mine are Sue Monk Kidd's above, "Tale of Two Cities", and "Traveling Mercies". 

hair today, gone tomorrow?

Sometimes I just need some change in my life - shake things up a bit - and that's not always an easy thing to create. Usually when that happens I go on a spontaneous road trip or delve into a large art project. Thankfully, Neil instinctively understands what I need when I get this wave of restlessness - early into our marriage I got this way and he suggested we swap all the furniture from one room with the other room.... bless him.

Honestly though, the simplest path to change is through my hair - so fast and so satisfying. Which is why I'm considering any of the following styles and I'm itching to do them soon...

ombre

I can go with a subtle dark to light fade

or more dramatic

mohawk

aka the semi-shave

here Rihanna models both the mid-length hawk and long hawk options 

pixie

short and sweet

or even more cropped

shaved

or I could just get rid of all of it and go the way of Natalie (and others)

*reminding myself I may not look like the model in the photo

How about your thoughts? Any weigh ins on my choice - not that these are major life choices - which might be why I like them. I can take control of my hair, if nothing else. 

Do you ever get antsy too? What do you do with the restless? 

thoughts and street art

some randomized thoughts this monday afternoon....

I just finally watched exit through the gift shop, a documentary on street art that won an oscar a few years back. It was excellent and has me thinking a lot about what makes art "art" and what qualifies someone as an artist.  It also makes me LOVE these creative pictures of street art!  especially this one:

source

I had my first ever huevos rancheros yesterday. Huevos Rancheros: mexican food for breakfast (awesome idea); mexican food for breakfast (terrible idea)

We were lucky enough to dog sit for an entire week and now that Snoop is gone I miss him so much! However there was that moment when I forgot he was here. There's nothing like thinking you're alone in the house, having stepped fresh out of the shower, and feeling a nose on your bare butt, to scare you right into next year.

Is there a worse place for a bug bite then your knuckle? Cause than its more than itch, its hurt-itch.

I'm having a harder time than ever getting myself to run these days. Maybe its the heat. Maybe its that my pep talks are no longer working to get me though the pain. Maybe its that there's so many fun activities, I have no reserve tank for exercise... here's the catch with it all: I feel worse when I can't fit running into my schedule, and I can't fit it in because I feel like junk. (does that ever happen to you? for example: you're more rested/refreshed when you work out, but you can't get to the gym - you're too tired)  Help me break the cycle friends, if you live around here, lets go for a jog!

I usually tire of long articles that have no pictures but this interview with Michael Keaton was good the whole way through.

My cousin has been joking about wanting a pair of crochet pants, but I saw this pair on etsy and with the right kind of underwear, you could really party!

source

...now I can't think of anything else but crochet pants. I hope you're in the same boat. (you can thank me for that in the comments section)

HAPPY WEEKEND! hope its hot (and a little bit gangsta)

I know I've said this before, but we don't have air conditioning. So the simple act of sitting on our couch in the evening, turns into actively hating the oppressiveness of all fabrics and the loathing the fact that ceiling fans create more noise than cool air (a worthless ratio).

In order to fight against complaining too much, I relish in the few things that work for me. For example,  I love our ice maker so much sometimes I thank it out loud for its fine service. And since there's no difference between indoors and out, save for a soft breeze, I find I'm venturing more than ever.

This weekend we are embracing the heat by grilling, picnicing, lazying by a river, camping in a tent, and picnicing (again)... consider it a staring contest with mid-July. We still actively hate fabrics but we will not back down!

Here's a picture of us camping two years ago, I'm displaying my best 'beat the heat' resolve

My other favorite way to stare down summer: watch old school rap videos. You know the kind - when a few people start off in bouncy cars, or motorcycles, or some cool vehicle, and then end up at a shindig picnic, or on basketball courts, or chillin with the whole neighborhood on a stoop. There's always group games and short shorts and up-shot camera angels and people sitting on hoods of cars. 

There is ALWAYS good music, and its always wonderfully, visibly, sticky hot. It makes me say "Hell yea! Dr. Dre doesn't need air conditioning, neither do I." 

                                         

                                          

HAPPY hot hot hot summer WEEKEND!

blurbs and books of love

There is company I love called blurb and I feel the need to tell you about it. My friend Lauren first introduced me to it a few years ago and now I'm hooked.

I've used both snapfish and shutterfly before to make a custom photo album (we had one made for our wedding guest book) and they can't compare to the quality you get with blurb books... for the same prices!!  (we made photo books for our parents with wedding pictures and they look better than some professional albums we've seen)

Its a small company and they don't just do photo albums - they do novels, cookbooks, children's books, even mini instagram flip books! Its like a tiny independent printing press.

And the best part is that you can create something and then make it public for others to purchase.... so if you have a stack of family photos and recipes you want to scan and preserve you can do it - then the whole clan can log on to buy it for christmas! (am I the only one blown away by this? its awesome right?) You can also search the site for other people's items, often they have ones sold for charity, and buy them as well.

Its really easy to use - I know because I've written several books with blurb (not necessarily good books but they are books none the less, my friends)

When Neil and I had been dating a year we set the gift limit to $1. Around that time I was encouraged by the concussion professionals to journal or write and keep jogging my memory (also a reason for this blog, by the way). In attempt to both work on my brain and seduce my man, I wrote a book about our year together. I wasn't doing well with chronological order so instead I put it in alphabetical categories. It was an encyclopedia of sorts. My Abilities, our Beliefs, his Characteristics, etc, etc, all the way to Vacations. In a used book store, I found an old, worn book for $1 and pasted the typed pages inside.

When we were dating for two years I felt the desire to continue. Both because I still had a huge crush on him and because we were engaged to be married. So I took that computer file from year one and the new book from year two and converted them into Blurb... easy peasy!

I was so happy with the quality, in year three I continued the pattern and the books got longer - that one being 152 pages. (note: I'm not scrapbooker and I don't make photo albums so I slip in a number of pictures here and there for posterity - which pads the stats, page wise)

The best part about Blurb - a paperback, Orbin original, will only set you back $6.95!!! Granted, my books are only for sale to one guy but the point is still the same, you've got a good deal here.

Moving on from my glowing endorsement for just a second, I have to share that our 2 year wedding anniversary is coming up in about a month and the deadline of Aug 22nd is looming ahead because now it comes with the pressure of completing a novel. I'm happy to do it because I still have that huge crush, but I'm a mere 14 pages into our 4th edition! 

Question: is it cheating to copy and paste parts of an irreverent blog into a book of gushing love and adoration?