Madly Dashing

This past weekend a group of energetic and lovely people ran a race in North Park...

Every month we have the habit of meeting in early morning to run our butts off then eat pancakes. This month's venture was the "March Mad Dash" a 5k, 5 Mile, and 10 Mile race.

Last year I ran the 5 mile in 48:47 (and Neil placed). This year, I went with the 5K seeing as it was my first time racing since the surgery.

I had no idea what my speed would be. Every single run I take is with the dog, and stopping to sniff every tree really messes with one's sense of timing. I told Neil that I would aim for a 10 minute mile, but I felt nervous to meet even that goal. I felt especially nervous about how I would feel.

I set out and things were good. I slipped past person after person. I climbed hills and my head felt fine. In the absence of pain, I noticed my breathing and the course and the people around me. I didn't have to walk to bring my heart rate down and relieve pressure and I didn't have to spike with pain after a mile.

I would check my time and think "wow this is fast. I should slow down so I don't start to hurt," but the hurt never came. And friends, get this, I finished under my goal of 31 minutes. In fact, after well over a year of trying to break that 9 minute mile mark, I sailed across that too. 

My final time was 27:02! (which calculates to an 8:42 min/mile)

I dashed across the finish and lept and hooted and hollered and even then I felt no pain. I wanted to kiss everyone on the face. So often I've heard of a 'runner's high', and now that's finally making sense. It must sound like I'm going on and on about this but I just can't express in enough ways how amazing it is to put in training miles and get subsequent results. Its so incredible for a race to feel fun and easy and not crippling. It's beyond my wildest dreams to end a race without the things going dark in my peripheral and my temples stabbing. After what felt like such an uphill struggle with everything running, on Saturday, I coasted down hill.

I even finished fast enough to watch Neil cross the finish line of his 5 mile at 35:05 (that's like a 7 minute mile folks!)

Despite his great time, he was even more happy for me. This joy might be rooted in the fact that I didn't snap at him during the early morning car ride, and I didn't cry at the finish, and I didn't make him escort me out of the noise and chaos to a place where I'd likely snap at him again. Nope, we both were happy and fine!

Is this how other people feel when they run? Is this what we have to look forward to? I could have never envisioned how madly great this would all be! 

unexpected joys

I could tell you a whole list of all the things in life that get better when you don't have constant pain. If I think about it, everything, absolutely everything has improved. However, lately I've found myself reveling in a few small unexpected joys....

SHOWERING

I used to dread getting into the shower. Something about the heat and steam and standing in place with my eyes closed that would make me feel terrible. I'd often get so woozy I'd have to sit down mid-way and get my bearings. NOW I don't get that sick, dizzy feeling. I can hop in and out quickly, or I can go for long and leisurely. Plus, I can get ready with plenty of time since I don't need to lay down in a bathrobe afterwards. So fear not for how dirty I used to be, I'm squeaky clean these days.

UNPACKING

I would always be able to somewhat prep myself for fun weekends, but I was never prepared for how I'd feel when I got home. I would crash and crash hard. I would need four days to recover from one great night. I would come home from a trip and not get out of bed for a looong time, leaving tasks undone for weeks. NOW I have experienced the surprise delight in coming home from a action filled weekend, and unpacking immediately. Being able to walk in the door and face even the simplest task is such a vast improvement over crying in a dark room that I find I love it.

SNORING

I used to wake up so very many times each night. I used to dread bedtime because I knew all the day's distractors would be gone and I'd just lay awake with my pain. I knew I'd somehow made it through a day and now I'd have to start all over again. Add to it, the background music to every bad night was my darling husband's snoring. Often he'd be so loud he'd wake himself up... then fall asleep, snoring again in under 2 minutes. How? How does he sleep so fast and easily?!?! It would drive me crazy! That was then, NOW I have two log sawing guys (yes, its true, Dixon snores), yet these days I'm not heavyhearted at bedtime. I lay down knowing I'll find sleep and wake up in the morning rested. So I curl up and listen to two sets of overlapping snores, and for some reason I love it. It gives me a sense of feeling grounded and at peace. I have the assurance that they are right there. And then I quickly drift to sleep.

Thats just the tip of the iceberg when it comes new surprising joys. Of course its easy to find new adoration for date nights and sporting events. Its a whole other sense of amazement to enjoy doing the dishes, waking up early on the weekend, running (even when its less than 10 degrees), grocery shopping, making coffee at the start my day, and sitting in traffic - just to name a few.

a vacation day

Well, its been a minute since I've posted. Sorry for any delay (those of you faithful readers, still checking in) - I can gladly assure you, my silence has been because of only good things in my life.

A few weeks ago I had a decadent two hour lunch at a french cafe, Paris 66. I sipped coffee and nibbled at the bastille galette and typed Neil's book. On the heated terrace, with my macaroon dessert, I didn't feel any pain.

When I confessed to Neil how I spent my indulgent afternoon, he said "it sounds like for the first time in years you had a 'vacation day' not a 'sick day'!" He couldn't have been more accurate and I couldn't be happier to move into a new phase in my life. Sure some days (or just parts of days) still feel like sick days, but I'm changing up that ratio with each passing week.

Not wanting to squander good feelings, I've been filling my schedule to the max of what I can handle. I started volunteering with a hospice organization. I babysit my beautiful god daughter. I walk some dogs for a friend. I keep a running schedule with daily work outs. I even clean the house here and there. (I know that may seem the bare minimum to you go-getters, but it really is a great deal more than what I used to do)

By the time I'm home for the evening, have walked the dog, and worked on dinner, I'm so wiped I can't begin to think of a post. Wow, hear that friends, I sound like a normal busy american again! So as I find a balance between doing more and resting some, I hope to add "posting more" to my days.

Also (and I realize this is a silly excuse), sometimes I sit down in the recliner and Dixon hops into my lap and my computer is juuust out of reach. Of course, I can never bare to wake the spoiled pup.

oh distractions.... where was I?...

This weekend we head out on the mega bus to visit some dear friends. Its the first time in AGES that I look forward to a trip in its fullness. This is the first time in so very long that I don't need to juggle happiness at the expense of how it will make me hurt.

Its a true Vacation Weekend!

And on Monday, instead of crashing, I'll go back to keeping busy... and hopefully sharing pictures of our dog (whether you ask for them or not)

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

Getting sleep used to be one of my biggest struggles. I would wake up 4-6 times a night, sometimes going right back to sleep, sometimes staying wide awake.

I recently went back and read my journal. I only wrote sporadically, usually at times of great difficulty. Even so, Its strange to see my desperate handwriting scrawled across an unlined page. One entry begins "today is 60 days with less than 1 hour sleep" (and it gets worse from there). I wrote that when I was on a particularly bad medication stretch that was clearly messing with me. Incidentally, it was also during the time I got engaged (such a committed guy).

I think I was only able to stay awake alive during those years was because my pain was so acute in the morning all the time. It kept me forcibly alert.

Now that things are changing for me (now that I have times without pain), I get waves of exhaustion unlike anything I've felt before. I read an article once that said you can't play "catch up" on the weekend for lost sleep through the week... that article should come and have a talk with my body, as it seems to be demanding years of back pay.

In the last two weeks, I've gone to bed at a reasonable hour. Then I've managed by some miracle above to sleep through the whole night!! Then I will wake up hours after Neil goes to work. So with weeks of getting 10 to 12 hours a night (a night!), plus sometimes a nap in the day (yep tack on 2 more hrs), I still feel so fatigued.

Once I fit in a bit of exercise and an online post and maayybe the dishes in the sink, I'm spent.

I'm accepting this as just a new phase in my healing. So far its better than any others because the sharp corners have rounded off my pain and I finally have rest.

On the other hand, I've never been more ready to jump back into life with both feet, yet it feels like I'm dragging cement shoes.

I got a wonderful card shortly after my accident that said "Grow Where You're Planted" - this is advice my restless soul has gone back to again and again. It helps me accept that right now I am in need of sleep, which is okay. So if you are looking for me, I'll be planted in my bed.

chai don't know how to say this...

This week we had our final appointment with my neurosurgeon.

It was our last one because I'm all clear from his point of view - that means everything from the day he cut me open is a-okay! (I still have to wean from my old concussion meds but that's another story)

Nothing about it was bitter-sweet... it was all sweet-sweet.

While we sat in the waiting room that early morning, sipping coffee, Neil and I played the "remember when..." game.

"Remember when we first came here thinking it was just a follow up for a research study, and I told you, 'there's nothing this doctor or this study can say to change my circumstances.'"

or

"Remember our appointment just three months ago, and how scared we where."

or

"Remember when we could never find a place to sit because of all the TVs and background noise."

Then we went into the exam room and I got to see Dr Okonkwo again. He gave me the final clearance and he gave me the chance to say thank you.... except how does one say thank you for something like this?

I knew I would be at a loss for words so I baked the office my new favorite Chai Sugar Cookies (props to Annan for the recipe).

Even then - "Here's some cookies. Thanks." hardly expresses the implied... "Dr. O, You took the time to see something that every doctor missed. You believed in a pain that no one else could see. You gave me a future I had long given up as lost. And after four years, when I couldn't even remember what it felt like not to hurt, you eased my pain. So here; I mixed up some butter and flour, because there really is no standard 'you brought my life back from darkness' gift. I hope you like sugar."

Whether he got the fullness of the message or not, we left the office and we left that part of our lives behind. I'm not fully better but I'm moving forward so fast in so many areas. I can see this clearly in many small ways. We stepped into the morning sun and crossed the street to the parking garage. I took a bold risk and opted to ride with Neil on the way out instead of waiting for him at the bottom. We circled around and around to the exit, and for the first time, I didn't feel sick.

Peace Piece

I know my narrative has been predominately about my headache pain, however, the accident had caused many other (albeit lesser) symptoms that I've had to deal with. I want to avoid harsh swearing on this blog, so I'll call these symptoms "highly inconvenient," but if I can step outside myself, they are also fascinating glimpses into how the brain works.

People would marvel at how I could pick up conversations several tables away from me while we were out at a restaurant. This is because I had no filter for background noise. All the foreground and background were at the same level. Clinking silverware, cooks saying orders, that girl with the high pitched laugh... all competing with what's right in front of me. I couldn't block anything out, like in that scene from "What Women Want", and it was all. the. time. 

It was fascinating when I could drop information about another person's conversation with ease. It was terrible because I couldn't follow what the people at my table were telling me. It was interesting that my brain was doing this. It was strange when our date night would end early because a snobby woman two tables over complained the whole meal about wanting a more upscale suite for her honeymoon in Cabo.  Oh poor Neil, just trying to give me a nice meal - he could never foresee when I would interrupt him with alligator tears saying "she just doesn't have any idea how good she has it in life! We could NEVER go to Cabo! Let's get the check." - having no idea whom "she" is because he can block out entitled background socialites like a normal person.

So when people ask me "Are your headaches gone?" that's only part of the story. The answer is "YES! sometimes. maybe forever? I don't know. but sort of YES! which is the most wonderful!"

But there are so many more elements that are coming back into my world that are so very life giving and uplifting. Like when we go for a walk on a Monday and stop into Silkys for an appetizer - just to see how I do with the noise. Then Neil will turn to me part way through and say "how are you doing with this" and I'll say "Oh." like it hadn't occurred to me to be struggling. BECAUSE I"M DOING OKAY! and that is also so very huge. And then once again I have alligator tears in public (poor Neil) and I smile and say "maybe we try staying through dinner." (and we do and I don't ask for the check early)

Piece by piece we are getting our life back. The ways seem so small but to us they are gigantic. When I go to the grocery store (my personal concussion hell), I no longer need to lay down for several hours afterwards. Do you know what that does for my sense of joy and sanity and love of the day?!? Do you have any idea how many colorful words I can remove from my descriptor of the "market district"? Its delightful. Its mundane but its huge.

Years ago I used to love jazz music. After the accident, my brain did a funny thing - it decided to hate Jazz. I could listen to the albums I already knew by heart, but anything new was off limits. This is because of the sporadic nature of jazz - the notes dip and dive, they don't go where you expect. When you listen, your brain has to switch from auto-drive to active mode just to follow along. A healthy brain does this without problems. My brain set off alarms. After even one song, the vice at my temple would tighten and my head would pulse. For years I was rudely alerted anytime I had to think (not just with Jazz, with anything).

Last week my friend Ryan sent me a wonderful email and at the end was a link to a song he thought I'd like called "Peace Piece" by Bill Evans. With hesitation I re-entered the jazz world. 

I used to love Jazz so much because it (generally) has no lyrics, it has no predicted path, and within the breadth of a song it can hold any emotion one wants. I was so sad after the accident when the only thing I could receive from jazz was pain. Now, once again, I can get peace and joy and the dichotomy of having felt heaviness when I am so light.

For years I've talked mostly about my headaches, which oversimplified the fact that my entire life had changed. Now when I tell people that sometimes my headaches are gone, even that miracle is too small an answer - there is a greater abundance. My world has a fullness beyond what I can describe. Maybe like jazz, you can't put it in words.

Live the Question

Even though I've spent so many years dreaming about the days "when I get better..." I'm still at a loss at how to finish that sentence.

I could make this a long drawn out post about how I'm weighing options of alternative health care jobs or going back to school for other degrees. Or I could talk a lot about how I'm thinking of ways to start small, like volunteer, before I choose a direction. Or I could share how Neil and I have actually made an NCAA-like tournament bracket of possible job options.

But what I really want to say today is much more simple. Its a pep-talk for me as much as I hope it might resonate for you in some way. Its a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke and it is on constant repeat for me these days because the blank slate in front of us starts to bring up so many questions: What will I do next? How much can my brain handle? Where will we live? etc, etc

I just go back to this quote and remember that this time doesn't need to be overwhelming and scary (a territory so easily ventured into, isn't it?) - this time can be exciting and full of wonder.

All those things I can't answer right now, its okay. Its okay to live in the question.

…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903

in Letters to a Young Poet

A Gut Feeling

I'm often asked about my level of pain and I have a difficult time giving a succinct answer.

There are times when I feel so so much better than I expected to feel at this point in my recovery, and there are times when just exactly like someone who had their head cut open. Overall, I consider this to be a positive outcome.

I still answer people that its too soon to determine how much of my concussion plays a role in my pains, but I can say that on average, I hurt less now than I did prior to the surgery (which, for the record, pre-surgery hurt was "a whole lot")! I'm doing much less activity than before, but when I rest and recover, it is wonderful to feel pretty okay!!

Pain is subjective, hard to measure, and difficult to truly recall. That's why I get excited when I can discover something that helps me gauge just how much better I'm feeling... something tangible.

**warning this story may contain too much information for some but it has just the right amount of happiness for me, so I'm telling it anyway:

A few days ago I had a dull ache in my belly. It only lasted about an hour before neck pain eclipsed it again, yet it puzzled me. I spent the better part of the morning trying to figure it out.

Was I hungry? no.
Was I full? no.
Did I eat something bad? no.
Did I do too many sit ups? hahaha, just kidding!

After going through a full check list of options, the lightbulb went off - it was that time of the month! So for the first time in 4 years 5 months, I was feeling cramps!! yay! (again, sorry for the TMI) But seriously friends, my overall pain threshold has now lowered to the point of occasionally feeling measly abdominal cramps!

Next thing you know-  I'll be aware of blisters, paper cuts, shin bruises, hangnails, and other fantastic maladies I've been missing!

This may sound sarcastic but its not, I promise, its not. It has been years of discovering bloody socks with no recollection of stubbing my toe, or finding a bruise on my funny bone with no remembrance of injury, or getting burned while cooking something but not realizing till a blister bubbles up. Now I have hope of feeling these things! So can I get a non-sarcastic hip-hip-hooray for cramps!?!

For those of you that get uncomfortable with the discussion above and can't sit through commercials where a cup of blue liquid is poured over a sanitary napkin - thank you for reading this far!

Your reward is an awesome video...

black cab sessions:

a group of friends that give artists one take to sing one song in the back of their London cabs

I also recommend Mumford and Sons and Fleet Foxes

I've got class!

well, Its more like "I've got classes"... online classes. and a lot of them!

I've begun to plough stumble through my continuing education courses and I feel both stimulated and exhausted at the same time.

Recently I've celebrated being able to read in increasingly long stretches. I've enjoyed having more clarity of mind, and I've worked on developing more brain activity. (hello, daily crossword!)

Now I see those things as so mentally "passive" compared to pouring over densely worded documents, packing in information, and regurgitating it in tests. All this to work up to 30 credit hours, to reinstate my Nursing License.

I'm struggling a lot and my brain is alarming to let me know just how mad it is that we're not searching the web for episodes of Mad Men, we're calculating the ratio of IV morphine to a comparable PO dose of methadone using the chart in figure 8a.

I lost a lot of my memory of college years but I can testify that nursing is difficult... even these parts.

However I don't want to complain - so here are the good aspects of taking these courses:

1. I'm fascinated!! - The freedom to take any class (and the option of so many topics) has me thrilled! I have been learning fun tid bits about all areas and since, again, I forget just about everything I learned in college, this is new and exciting! Here's just a sampling of the 13 credits I've gone through so far (as you can see I have no career direction as of now):

• The Midwifery Model of Care
• Exercise for Health and Fitness
• Chronic Illness in the Correctional Setting
• Hospice and Palliative Care
• A Nurse's Guide to Pain Management
• Forensic Nursing and School Shooters    
• Rattlesnake Bite 

2. I'm testing the waters. - I suspect someday I may want to go to some school or other, for some degree or another. These classes help me dip my toe into the pool of education and see how well I fair. Its nice to know that right now I need swimmies and a kick board and adult supervision. Its also nice to know that higher learning isn't completely off the table for me. I mean if I can get excited over obligatory online power points, I should probably stay open to a secondary degree right?

3. I'm so very fatigued! - This is not a bad thing, this is a great thing. Sure 1.0 credit hour class takes me 2.35 hours on average, but its cool, I have time. And sure I have brain ache from reading through this stuff most of the time, which wipes me out for other more productive activities. BUT get this friends - yesterday, I spent all day on classes and last night I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!! (you heard that right!) I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! So maybe I just needed to abuse my mind wheels a bit to give me good sleep. Here's to hoping its no fluke and I can keep this up!

Hey, maybe I'll find a class on the topic!

a good (looking) cause

I don't know if you've ever met my neighbor - the unique and fabulous Michael - if not I hope you do someday.

He works as a hairdresser at Glam Salon in Shadyside and very recently he has combined his profession with his very huge heart!

From now until October 27th you can call Glam Salon (412 681 0690) and schedule a hair cut. When you do, all $35 of your cut will go to the Bethleham Haven Women's Shelter! (just be sure to mention the shelter when you schedule)

If you you want to help but aren't in the mood for a new look, they are also accepting women's deodorant and women's socks. Then the hairdressers will take all donations and money to the shelter late this month when they go and make dinner for the women that stay there.

So here's the deal, I know two things: (1) it feels great to see success in a project that Michel takes on, especially for such a worthy cause and (2) it feels great to get a new hair style!.... so if figured why not pass this along.

MY hair? you're wondering about my hair?

so kind of you to ask! thank you!

its a mess.

The shaved surgical patch is growing in so fast. Its fairly healthy looking and full, unfortunately, my scant and scraggly long hair barely covers it. I've taken to calling the back of my head 'nature's bumpit'. If you've never moved a bouffant pouf to the back of your head - long thin hair on the sides, nothin' on top - let me just save you the trouble - its not pretty!

its this kind of fabulous in all the wrong places

Lately I've been teasing up other parts of my hair to compensate (mostly by laying around and not combing it - don't judge). My other option is to pull my hair up in a pony tail, unfortunately, this exposes the fast growing patch again - and if you thought the bumpit was bad, oh man, the "hidden rat tail" is way worse. If I let this go much longer, it'll have to be renamed the "under mullet" and I tried to look for a google image of that - it's not a style. Under Mullet doesn't exist in even in the mullet-est of places.

So know I need to get a cut to fix things and I don't know what that cut will be. A friend suggested the "Carrie Mulligan." I google imaged her and I find her to be freaking adorable.

source

I'll do what we all do- take a red carpet picture of a gorgeous actress to a salon

tell them "make me look like this"

and expect the blond that had 5 hours of prep to appear magically, 

in place the brunette that hasn't showered in days.

(that being said - what you you think of the long layered pixie cut? could I totally be her?!?)

eh, whatever my hair troubles, I know Michael will fix it! At the very least he's fantastic at compliments, small talk, and pampering - I could us an afternoon of that too!

As a side note, I do have gratitude that my problems in this post deal with rogue hair and not where I will sleep tonight... the work done Bethlehem is truly wonderful.

getting Job

For anyone that wasn't at church this week - here is a link to my sermon on Job chapter 2

"Should we only accept good things from the hand of God

and never anything bad?"

**note: I still have a very jumbled brain so the sermon has some pauses where I collect myself - in person these may have felt short, however it translates not so well in podcast form. Maybe I'm being harsh though - who doesn't cringe at the sound of their own voice? is that a standard rule?

On a related note, here's a link to free online Sudoku, because if you're going to spend time with an audio link, I may as well give you a visual distraction. (I also recommend USAtoday crossword)

My friend Tricia also wrote such a lovely blog post about her thoughts on the topic. (its wonderful to read - especially if you don't have the time to listen to the sermon, plus she doesn't say "um" nearly as much as I do)

I'm still not feeling much better from Monday so I'll be enjoying the blue skies from bed. I'm keeping a routine of water, heating pad, water, crackers, water, tea, water.

I hope your wednesday holds equal or greater amounts of excitement!

on fire for columbus day

This weekend was wonderful.

I had visitors and lots of my favorite cool weather things - tomato bisque, warm bread, sweet treats with hot tea, and roasted squash (thank you Doug and Gabby for all of that!).

I took walks bundled up with scarves and fall sweaters- which always feels new after a year on my shelves.

I even got to attend church again for the first time! I was so blessed to see so many people I love in one place (and so honored to have the chance to share as well)!

All of my weekend quest was grand and ambitious and truly terrific...

Then today landed on me and I felt terrible. I had sharp headaches and my body felt so sore. I wrote it all off a just paying the fun tax. I'm used to pain in exchange for a good day or two.

Around 5pm I complained said to Neil - "I just feel extra achy. Its miserable" and he said "on the off chance, do you want to take your temperature?"

boom. fever.

And in honor of today's holiday, I'll say that if this weekend was dreams of floating towards Spain, today I ended up firmly planted on Plymouth Rock.

At least I have one more thing to look forward to when I heal... the day when I know I'm sick because I can actually FEEL sick. The day I don't have to deduce feeling terrible by sifting through other symptoms of feeling blah.  When that day comes, I'll be the happiest "healthy" sick girl around, grinning stupidly and winking at the cashier when I buy nyQuil and vicks. I seriously can't wait.

to sleep, perchance, to hibernate

Last night I slept. 

zzzzzzz.

My sleep was disrupted here and there (as always) but there was a new developement... the on and off lasted oh so long!

I got up today at 11:40. That's almost lunch people!

And I only got up because I got a long phone call - by no means did I want to emerge from my cocoon of blankets.

I believe something dangerous has happened to me... just like a child raised by vegans that goes to his first slumber party and says "what is buffalo chicken dip?"... after four years and four months of a fight with the night, I have found slumber.

There's no turning back. I just want more.

I will see you again at the first thaw of spring.

Running for my Life

It more like walking for my life.

I've officially signed up for my first race since the surgery!

Its the Freaky 5K run/walk on October 27th (and all the shirts say "Run for Your Life" so I went with it in the post title)

So far I can walk 3 miles. This leaves me with a whole month to add one more tenth of a mile. I figured I can most likely make up the difference. I even checked with my Neurosurgeon at my last appointment and got the go-ahead to participate.

I have 12 other friends (maybe more) doing the race too and we're all dressing up!

I wanted a costume that allows me to carry a drink. Recently, I haven't needed to take as many sips of water on my walks, but I feel more comfortable knowing I would have something by my side. Last year for Halloween I was dressed as the Statue of Liberty and my torch was a flashlight taped to a bottle of, um, libations.

I swear that mixture is more iced tea than whiskey.

I have Jack Bauer there to keep me honest. 

This year I plan to recycle much of the costume and fill that bottle with flame colored gatorade so I can hydrate as I stroll through North Park as Lady Liberty.

If there's anything to look forward to - its combining my walking with seeing people I love - AND it feels oh so good to have a race on the calender again!

Follow-Up

I had a wonderful follow-up appointment today with Dr Okonkwo.

- My incision site remains nice looking (and infection free)

- My walking is great! Yesterday we did 3 miles.

- The mobility in my neck is good. I can look 90 degrees both left and right.

- I've been functioning well on no medication for about 10 days now.

- My ability to eat has returned, even if I'm not that hungry. I do eat!

All and all I think he was pleased

We also got some encouraging news for moving forward.

I have to be careful not to strain in any way. The mesh that was sewn into my head will take about 3 months before my dura (the covering of the brain) fully re-grows and incorporates itself with my brain in this new position. Until then, doing anything too strenuous could bust the stitches that my genius surgeon worked so hard to put in place. That's an outcome I'd like to avoid.

So I've put jazzercise and breakdancing on hold for a while. Along with jogging. I'm so very okay with this.

In the meantime, I'm encouraged to walk as much as I can tolerate. To stretch and keep my body moving (even mild yoga). And he even said my 3 lb weights are good (I have all the proper work outs from months of physical therapy that I went through a few years ago).

I can also move forward with other activities - in moderation - as my energy level can handle. That means if I REALLY REALLY wanted to attend a rave (which I don't, this is a hypothetical) it technically wouldn't harm my surgery's success - but it might make me fatigued. And rest is still important.

Overall, I'm so excited about all this!  There's been a few initial post-surgical guidelines that had been strictly enforced in this household (i.e.: "no cooking"). Now they can be lifted in favor of giving me back my discernment and a bit more freedom (I'm not about roast a turkey but can a girl dice an onion!)

Neil I know you are reading this, please don't think me ungrateful for your vigilance... thanks to you I've progressed so well. But please excuse me while I reach above my head to grab that fall sweater off the top shelf - with out assistance.   oh sweet freedom!

over the straw curve

With out even fully realizing it, I've surpassed another milestone.

I'm drinking without a straw.

It became clear to me when I asked Neil to grab me some juice and he said "wait, do you want a straw with that?" I'm not the fastest gunslinger in the west, so my gradual smile and hardly committal "Huh" hopefully told him that it was slowly dawning on me - "This is interesting. I'm over the straw curve."

This seemingly minor feet, is actually quite exciting. It means I'm sitting up when I sip. It means I'm tipping my head back when I reach the bottom of the glass. It means I've been getting my own water because Neil didn't notice right away. It means I'm definitely moving towards normal, at least in the drinking department (as long as you ignore the prune juice in my fridge)!


Don't get me wrong, I'll still say yes to the Krazy Straw.

Of course now it would be strictly on principle - not out of necessity.

September Date Night

We opened our two year anniversary gifts early this year. (I was otherwise detained on the actual day) As always, we went for simple in terms of cost - which means I went overboard in terms of effort.

Of the 12 gifts I got him (this looks like overkill but most were oh so insignificant)...

One particular mason jar was my favorite. It had a special gift that was to last all year long.

It held 12 envelops, with each month of the year on the outside. On the inside of each envelop is a specific date night for us. On the first day of each month this year he gets to open a new envelop and we go forth with our date!

Making this gift was tricky because I had to predict how I might feel in February and July. I had to hope I could be in public at a certain point, and expect I could handle large amounts of fun around, well, who knows when?

Making this gift was a blessing because I could say to Neil just before having surgery, not only do I have no doubt I'll live through this (otherwise, crappy gift right?) but I'll also choose to believe I get better and better and we'll have a wonderful year together.

SEPTEMBER 

For our kick off month I did have to set the bar rather low. I knew we would be inside not just one weekend but ALL the weekends (and ALL the weeknights). I wanted to do something not too straining but somewhat unique...

Thus - Movie Nights - we stay in, we make popcorn, we snuggle under covers, and we turn off phones. But these aren't typical movies. Our theme is to go through all of our parents' and step-parents' favorite films. We are still collecting some data, and gathering DVDs, but so far its been a blast! Can you believe we never asked them what they love most?

And so now we have a way to separate special nights from just every other night. We also have a new (and renewed) appreciation for:

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

thanks to John

Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark

thanks to Dave

(on deck is)

Moonstruck

thanks to Donna

The Shawshank Redemption

thanks to Paul

(which happens to mine AND Neil's favorite as well. triple whammy!)

and guess who picked

Analyze This...

*if you said Joe T, you win!

So far we've lucked out - everyone has impeccable taste, in our opinion - and our September date nights have been delightful! We can't wait to get everyone's final vote and then we might even cycle through some of the second place movies we were given (Ten Commandments, Seabiscuit, Young Frankenstein, The Dream Team, Back to School and Gone With the Wind)

Do you have a favorite movie we could watch? Have you asked any parents or family members what they love the most? I can't believe I waited so long to ask - now that I watch them knowing how beloved they are, they're even better than I remember!

what a difference a day makes

Its hard to believe how different I feel writing this today compared to yesterday. These flowers came as a perfect symbol that suddenly things are feeling much brighter (Rachel, how ever did you pull off such timing?)

After almost a week of not sleeping (I mean not catching even a wink), I was such a mess that I took it to this public blog. I figured reaching out to all of you was better than morphing into Tyler Durden.

Then last night we tried a few new things...

- I went bit farther than usual and we walked about a mile

- Just before bed, we broke out the giant foam roller that came with Neil's P90X-2 (picture a sturdy cylinder that you roll over to massage your muscles)

- I took my beloved heat pack to bed with me as well

- And of course, there were the Tylenol PMs

And then...I was able to fall asleep! (miracle!!) Even though it was a disruptive sleep, I caught a few hours here and there. This is such a vast improvement that I feel like a whole new human!! No more fear of Neil coming home to his wife ordering Ikea furniture and making soap.

A wonderful friend called today to encourage me, and he reminded me that when narcotics leave your system they can also leave you sleepless. This makes quite a bit of sense to me. I have always been hyper-sensitive to medications. After a string of IV morphine, then percocet, then oxy - its no great leap  to think that when they were eventually gone, I'd lay awake, buzzing and restless.

Here's to hoping that last night was no fluke, and that now I have a foothold. I will walk more today and stretch more today and thank our God above repeatedly that I got some sleep. I'm also thanking you - you beautiful bunch of readers - because the very same night I put this out there and the problem resolved! amen and amen!

p.s. to top it all off, I had the most adorable (already crawling!) lunch date today!  

 darling Nora

In-Between

This time in the recovery process is definitely part of the difficult limbo period. I'm not quite so terribly pained that I stay in bed/on the couch all day anymore and yet I'm not quite over the hump of some pretty rough patches.

Parts of me are healing faster than others making for an awkward time that reminds me of the scene when Bambi tries to stand up all wobbly legged on ice (except with narcotics). 

I'll let you know the specifics of it, not to complain, but so maybe you can say a small prayer or send out some good thoughts. Mostly things are progressing well but other things are quite difficult.

Weaning

I have been dropping off of my medications rather quickly and realizing that I am fully okay with my pain through the day. My neck is achy (among other things) but I'm not one unaccustomed to pain. Actually, I think because I spent so long with pain that once I had strong drugs in me, I started getting woozy and nauseated. Now that they are all out of my system, I realized I'm okay without them. My eating has even gotten much better.

Through this last week, its been hard to determine how much to cut back and when. (more on that later) But for now I got to a place where I'm drug free, aside from occasional tylenol.

Pains in my...

I think all the weight I lost was in my rear-end. I also think my bony butt is angry at me for sitting around on it these three weeks straight. In fact, my hips and lower back and sides and legs have joined in on the complaints. I didn't think I'd be so sore but my goodness!

During the day I sit up, I move, I stretch, and I change positions. I walk multiple times. I try to answer the restlessness of my body. But I can only do so much before my neck and head need to lay down again. I was pretty active before the surgery (I ran 3 miles the day before the cut me open) and now I think my muscles are not liking the bed bound life they've been forced to lead.

So at night, I just cannot get comfortable. I cannot find a position that doesn't hurt from head to toe and I have that age old problem for me, yet again...

Sleeping

Here is where all those other two things come together. At first I was going back to add some of my medications just at night - maybe they would help me sleep. Instead, I was up all night feeling queasy and sick. Then I tried nights without the medications, and I was up all night feeling pain and restlessness. 

Just after coming home from the hospital, I was able to get 1 or 2 hour bits of sleep through the night. Now I don't even fall alseep till around 4 or 5 am and I might get two broken up hours total, if I'm lucky. (Which is to say, this in-between time I've called "limbo" has been rough enough to merit more harsh names, to say the least)

I spoke with the nurse on staff at my surgeon's office and she recommended I do not go back on the narcotics that make me sick - that instead I try tylenol PM tonight. I figured I'd share this with you because I do believe prayer goes well with those little blue tablets. 

Like I said earlier, I know this is just a rough patch. Parts of my body are feeling much healthier - in time, other parts will catch up. As I'm able to hold my head up longer and longer, my walks will increase, my aches will go away, and my sleep will get better. I know that. I just really want to get there already. (I'm only 3 weeks into a long recovery, I'm not surprised that its hard, but it is still hard).

Oh and maybe you could send a thought out to Neil too. It's my guess that it can't be easy living with an emotionally raw post-operative zombie that tosses and turns all night. 

my favorite time of day

When I came home from the hospital, my Mom and Joe T had left a surprise for us by giving our porch an extreme home make over...

complete with cozy chairs, end tables, and even flowers!

We've always loved our porch for the beautiful Ivy and view of the neighborhood, but it was in dire need of places to sit!

Now, we have just that place. We go there in the morning sometimes to get a bit of fresh air. We go there just before the sun sets for a short while and Neil will read to me. But my favorite time of day is right around 6 pm...

Every day we go for a walk together. Its just a few blocks and I inch along, taking water breaks and pausing here and there. As I slowly increase my distance it takes a bit longer (eventually I'm supposed to walk for an hour) and Neil is never in a rush. When its over I usually want to rest. Conveniently, now we have seats! 

We always save the mail for this time of day and we open the cards slowly. We read and re-read them. We talk. We relax.

If I haven't gotten to personally thank you for a card you mailed to us, please know it is cherished. It supplies my favorite time of day. In fact, I think the neighbors are beginning to get suspicious of the emotional girl that sits on the porch.