chai don't know how to say this...

This week we had our final appointment with my neurosurgeon.

It was our last one because I'm all clear from his point of view - that means everything from the day he cut me open is a-okay! (I still have to wean from my old concussion meds but that's another story)

Nothing about it was bitter-sweet... it was all sweet-sweet.

While we sat in the waiting room that early morning, sipping coffee, Neil and I played the "remember when..." game.

"Remember when we first came here thinking it was just a follow up for a research study, and I told you, 'there's nothing this doctor or this study can say to change my circumstances.'"

or

"Remember our appointment just three months ago, and how scared we where."

or

"Remember when we could never find a place to sit because of all the TVs and background noise."

Then we went into the exam room and I got to see Dr Okonkwo again. He gave me the final clearance and he gave me the chance to say thank you.... except how does one say thank you for something like this?

I knew I would be at a loss for words so I baked the office my new favorite Chai Sugar Cookies (props to Annan for the recipe).

Even then - "Here's some cookies. Thanks." hardly expresses the implied... "Dr. O, You took the time to see something that every doctor missed. You believed in a pain that no one else could see. You gave me a future I had long given up as lost. And after four years, when I couldn't even remember what it felt like not to hurt, you eased my pain. So here; I mixed up some butter and flour, because there really is no standard 'you brought my life back from darkness' gift. I hope you like sugar."

Whether he got the fullness of the message or not, we left the office and we left that part of our lives behind. I'm not fully better but I'm moving forward so fast in so many areas. I can see this clearly in many small ways. We stepped into the morning sun and crossed the street to the parking garage. I took a bold risk and opted to ride with Neil on the way out instead of waiting for him at the bottom. We circled around and around to the exit, and for the first time, I didn't feel sick.