Dear Charles Dickens

Today is your 200th birthday (and I agree that it's totally weird that we're counting your age after you die).

looking good CD, looking good

But birthday or not, its a good time to say, I have always loved your books the most. I love that you have drama at each turn. This is probably because you wrote for periodicals and that's what sells the papes (it might be of comfort for you to know this is how things still work. The Biggest Loser is claiming every week to have the 'most dramatic episode ever'). But unlike your counterparts, who wrote in fragments, you knew where your stories would lead. Somehow - always to my disbelief - all the flawed and crazy threads tie together in the end and you give us closure.

I can't explain why, at the age of fourteen, I fell so deeply for the character of Sydney Carton. You remember Sydney, the one who does not end up with the love of his life - the one who ends up in a guillotine instead. (I've read Tale of Two Cities five times now and each time I love Sid more and more). To feel akin to him over Lucie may say a lot about me but I'd rather not get into it - not on your birthday.

You've said "There's nothing better than a friend, unless its a friend with chocolate." so today I'll have some chocolate and reread the part of Great Expectations when we first meet Miss Havisham. She's in her well preserved home, clocks stopped, cake untouched in the many years since she was left at the alter - a perfect monument to her going all crazeballs. Ahhh, It'll feel good being with my friends again.

Charlie, have I mentioned I was an only child? no? anyway, thanks for the memories.

Sincerely,
A fan of yours since you were merely 186 years old

just a big dead horse

Do you ever feel like you're forgetting something really important? (all post concussive people nod emphatically)

Last night I had a dream that we owned a horse and it was my job to care for it.  Then, one day while sitting on the couch, I all of the sudden remembered all these things. So I rushed to the stable and found our dead horse. (really dead too, eyes staring at me, flies swarming, it was a scary site)

The image was so vivid and so upsetting and so unshakable I turned to Neil at 3:06 and said "hey, handsome... hey, wake up.... I just need to double check something, we don't, um, own a horse.... right?"

Then at 3:12 with the feeling of dropping the ball still heavy upon me, and sleep a long abandoned option, I had to go for one more try "and Neil... hey... we don't own anything else I can kill right? not like children or hamsters or things I can mistakenly abandon?"

**For those of you wondering, the answers are as follows: No, we don't own horses, children, or hamsters. Yes, we own things I can and do kill, so I apologize to all my houseplants. and Yes, my husband patiently answers me in the middle of the night when I ask (what feels to me) very rational questions. He also adds a kind, "if you had a bad dream then come over here" snuggle.  So lets all cross our fingers that I don't accidently forget to feed him, I like him a lot.

Student of (This American) Life

The best compliment I've ever heard given out was this - "You are a student of life." - and as best as I can describe, this means a person wants to learn more about things... things that have nothing to do with their job or their hobbies - this means they ask questions of people to honestly and truly gain knowledge. They are the ones at the party asking with genuine interest - "did you say you collect stamps? that's fascinating - what makes certain stamps valuable over others?"

Since hearing it, I've only given this precious compliment to two people, for the ways they make you feel when they talk with you - like they want to know more because they are learning all then can.

One is Maryl, a friend who luckily enough, married into my family. When I first started dating Neil, she asked me "What do you like about him?"... a question that says so much more about him than 'how did you meet?' or 'what does he do?' and it was so clear to me that she wanted to know about Neil.

The other is Ira Glass, host of the radio show "This American Life". And I'm slightly crazy for having said this about Ira because I never met him - but I feel like I know him because he is so knowable, and he chuckles, and he says things like "so then what in the world could you have been thinking?!?" and the person he's speaking to just opens up.

Lately, I try hard to ask probing questions that get to deeper answers that tell me things about the world. I say "try hard" because while I love to know about life, having a terrible headache makes it hard to stay engaged. But my hope is that, in time, I'll can become a little more Glass-y.

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HAPPY WEEKEND! hope you oooh and awww

I'm on my way to a baby shower where I will get to see some friends I adore (and I don't often see)!

ooooh

(this from almost three years ago, at Em's wedding shower,

and now there'll be one less of us drinking mimosas)

And I will get to look at little baby clothes and baby gifts...

awwww

(tiny versions of things are always cuter than the normal sized things)

And this weekend, I get to go the Pitt vs. Villanova game! My husband's co-worker has season tickets, and the co-worker's wife just had a baby - leaving us with his seats (for this, I love babies). And I really hope to see some great things like the following...

ooooh and awww and jump in a pile screaming.

Go Panthers!

UTER-US?

"It's uter-us Marge, not uter-you!" 

~ Homer Simpson

This is a touchy topic... I think its paradoxical because it comes up often yet we hardly talk about how it makes us feel.

"When are you planning on having children?"
           - a question that is everywhere

"How is that your business?"
           - a socially unacceptable reply, that most people (if they are honest) long to say

One would think - one would HOPE that my current condition would preclude any questions about how soon we will have children - that's not the case. Most days I function as a toddler and depend on my husband to carry out basic needs for me. In no way could I begin to care for a child. Yet more often than not, I get the mention of babies. This comes from acquaintances ("How long have you been married now? Oh a year and a half! So are you trying for little ones soon?") and from close family members ("I just saw a picture of Neil as a baby - he was adorable - I can't wait to see how cute your kids will be.")

Every time we say to someone on Neil's side of the family that we need to tell them something - anything - from Neil got a promotion to 'lets meet at 7 for dinner' -  it ends with them saying "oh,... I thought you were going to tell us Em is pregnant."

So for a person that should clearly never get the question - I get it a lot. Which means other people must feel just inundated. I don't mind it all that much because having kids is the last thing on my mind. But my sensitivity has grown because now I know people (a lot of people, in my immediate friend group) who have experienced the following painful situations:

*difficulty getting pregnant
*difficulty getting pregnant for well over a year
*difficulty getting pregnant after already having a child
*miscarriage
*miscarriage after 20 weeks
*miscarriage after already having a healthy child
*multiple miscarriages
*infertility
*failed adoptions
*and often a combination of more than one of the above

Thats a lot of variables walking around in our world - a lot of women for whom the seemingly innocent questions of "when are you having a chid?" or "when are you having another?" will sting like arrows. I'm confused by the fact that no one realizes they are playing emotional russian roulette - there's a good chance you ask this to a woman who's been trying for ages, on the same day she happened to get her period (or worse yet, miscarry). Still we'll load the question, spin the barrel and aim.

And we risk bringing up such a heartbreaking and personal topic because.... because.... why again? Is it asked because thats the standard small talk? Is its asked because its a go-to when we run out of other things to say?

I don't suggest we abandon the topic of fertility altogether. If you are close enough friends, hopefully you'll be able to talk to them in a way that they know you are really caring. Maybe start with "if you guys decide to start trying to get pregnant and its difficult - I want you to know I'm here to listen." (But honestly, this is an area I don't feel confident with and could use work)

If you aren't very close friends, then maybe new and creative filler conversation needs to be invented. "Oh you've been married two years now? Thats great! Is there anything fun you have planned this year?" or "What has been the most surprising or wonderful part of marriage so far?"

Are you just tired of this question too? I'd be curious to hear of more helpful (and tactful) ways people have broached this topic. I'm at the point now where I'd like to find out from a few friends how they are doing, with out infringing on what can be so personal. Are there any phrases you've found to be non-offensive?

Picture Books

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My favorite gift to give at a shower is a children's book. Some invites even ask for a book in leu of a card - so I figured I could share some of my favorite children's books in case you find yourself amidst a number of fertile friends, as I myself have experienced. (note: these books aren't your typical Goodnight Moon or I'll Love You Forever - those are great but if you're going to a shower you don't always want to be a repeater)

The Peace Book by Todd Parr

"Peace is making new friends" and better yet, 

"Peace is having enough pizza for everyone in the world"

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by Bill Martin Jr.

I read this one like I'm droppin' a phat beat. 

(in the hopes my niece and nephew are laughing with me not at me) 

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein

I love this one enough to get a tattoo of it. So there's that. 

Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus

This one is pretty wordy and reads more like a short story but the metaphors are so beautiful. 

One of my favorite adult books, "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd, relies heavily on the simple message of this book.

I Like You by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

I  think this little gem is the perfect mix of sweet and silly.

I gave it to Neil for our first Valentines Day when the big "L" word still gave me hives. 

Later we used a quote from it on our wedding programs....

Go the F*ck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach

This is less of a book for children and more of a book for adults. 

If you can take a light hearted approach to the difficulties of trying to get a child to go to sleep, then this would likely be the book for you - better to laugh than pull out your hair right?

(and here is Samuel L Jackson doing an audio reading... caution, explicit)

Do you have any favorites that I missed? I'm always looking for new ones to gift away!

Postpartum Healing Tip

So there's something I recommend to every new mom if they've had a vaginal delivery. It might make some readers uncomfortable, but its so good I feel I have to share (hint: if you flinched at 'vaginal delivery', stop reading now)

I learned this trick while working in maternity as a nurse and I swear by it (by proxy, of course).

1. Take a package of maxi-pads. emphasis on MAXI. think: overnight, huge... the kind of pads that the nurse used to hand out in middle school

2. Run a small amount of water over the pads and wring them out so the water is distributed evenly but they are not fully saturated or overly heavy.

3. Place the damp pads in a large bowl and place the bowl in the freezer. The bowl should be big enough that when the pads are put into place they curve to later fit the contour of your body. They'll have some flexibility after freezing so as long as you're somewhere between folded in half or completely flat, you should be fine.

4. After delivery, use these frozen wonders for comfort (its like an ice pack) and absorption (its still a pad)

and HAPPY HEALING!

New Mom Gifts

At the shower I went to this weekend, some wonderful friend went off registry and very rogue and bought the mom-to-be slippers, a sweet little nightie, and a cozy cotton robe. Isn't that just brilliant!

So in the spirit of thinking of the sacrificing mother - here are a few more nice gifts for her... and only her, let the baby fend for itself.

A massage - giving a new mom a half hour to an hour out of the house to unwind and relax could be just what they need. (couple it with an offer to babysit for that time period and you could be friend of the year)

Netflix subscription/new TV series - many friends have said that the times of gazing lovingly at their new child while breast feeding at all hours doesn't last forever - sometimes they want to watch some mindless television (I'll resist all 'boob tube' jokes). A 25 minute television show is the perfect respite for the mid afternoon or late night feeding and a lot of couples actually liked the bonding over something entertaining during the long days of rarely leaving the house. I've lent my three seasons of 'Arrested Development' out to four different new moms now - which makes me feel in some small way like I'm doing my part.

A handwritten note - this one might sound small or insignificant but from what I've heard of new moms, encouragement is good (actually, I guess that's true of everyone). Being childless, I sometimes get sensitive to the comments of 'you have no idea what it's like' or 'your world is sooo much easier'. But in all honesty I don't know what its like, and if I can send a simple 'Thinking of you', it can go a long way.

source: robe, massage, movie, note