Monday, May 14, 2012

Dear Diary

I had intentions of putting together a number of posts this week about concussions - about my accident - and about where I am as I approach my fourth "Didn't Die Day" (which is tomorrow)

But true to form, I had a horrible day. I feel terrible and I don't know why after 1,460 days of constant pain, I would be surprised to find this milestone is no different.

I can't get my mind to focus and I don't want to really try. I'm doing this blog because its supposed to help my brain. It's supposed to be a good practice for me. This week I'm just not in the mood.

I'm not in the mood to run the 4 miles I have written on my planner - which are supposed to help me. I'm not in the mood to spend my 30 minutes meditating, I'm not in the mood to go to my appointments, and I'm not in the mood to avoid processed foods. (also, I don't feel like talking to people - but thats not something I was told would help  me - that just how I'm feeling)

In the last week I've had more than several comments (note I said "comments" not "compliments") about my blogging. Everything from "so if I say this, are you going to blog about it" to "oh she has her camera out, I bet its going to be on her blog." Not that any of the comments are negative, per se, but they amplify the silliness I feel about all this...

I don't want to be in the place I'm in. I never aspired to blog. I never dreamed I'd be unemployed for half of my twenties. I don't want to be taking pictures and formulating thoughts as an elementary practice for my brain. My plan was to be walking for a graduate diplomas this spring - not walking a dog for a friend because its a 'manageable activity' for me.

I'm taking the week off from posting.

Maybe next week I'll feel like coming back to this... I made a goal to try blogging for a year. (even all these arbitrary goals feel ridiculous - ways to put a minor tangible thing on a life without work with a chronic pain I can't control) Maybe I'll switch back to journaling. But then, someone will innocently call my journal a diary and I will feel just as silly when people wonder about my daily commitment to that. (oh the uncontrolled emotions of the brain injured!)

After all, to attend a 10 year high school reunion and not have ANYTHING to answer people during small talk time except - "Well, I have a diary" feels like a notch below "I have a blog"... i think (I'm out of the loop though).

Sorry if this all sounds a bit bleak. I tend to feel the weight of all the months around this time. Tomorrow I'm refusing all calls and Neil is making me a dinner of Tater Tots and Red Wine. Its as close as I can get to rebellion and celebration.  Next week. we'll see.


  1. I think you're wonderful, everything about you - your actions, words and thoughts. You are the strongest person that I know and I look up to you. I love you.

    Katie (a.k.a Coochie)

  2. I'm almost sure that Tater Tots and Red Wine could cure many diseases.

    Will be praying for you extra this week. Do what you need to do. The rest of us will celebrate "Didn't Die Day" for you.

    And I wish I could express to you the folly and ridiculousness of high school reunions. Just tell people that since your accident, you've become a psychic crime fighter for the Seattle Police Department, but you can't talk about it.

  3. Well, I loved reading this because it was so well written, even if it comes from a "bleak" place.

    Do you put extra salt on your tater tots?