A Gut Feeling

I'm often asked about my level of pain and I have a difficult time giving a succinct answer.

There are times when I feel so so much better than I expected to feel at this point in my recovery, and there are times when just exactly like someone who had their head cut open. Overall, I consider this to be a positive outcome.

I still answer people that its too soon to determine how much of my concussion plays a role in my pains, but I can say that on average, I hurt less now than I did prior to the surgery (which, for the record, pre-surgery hurt was "a whole lot")! I'm doing much less activity than before, but when I rest and recover, it is wonderful to feel pretty okay!!

Pain is subjective, hard to measure, and difficult to truly recall. That's why I get excited when I can discover something that helps me gauge just how much better I'm feeling... something tangible.

**warning this story may contain too much information for some but it has just the right amount of happiness for me, so I'm telling it anyway:

A few days ago I had a dull ache in my belly. It only lasted about an hour before neck pain eclipsed it again, yet it puzzled me. I spent the better part of the morning trying to figure it out.

Was I hungry? no.
Was I full? no.
Did I eat something bad? no.
Did I do too many sit ups? hahaha, just kidding!

After going through a full check list of options, the lightbulb went off - it was that time of the month! So for the first time in 4 years 5 months, I was feeling cramps!! yay! (again, sorry for the TMI) But seriously friends, my overall pain threshold has now lowered to the point of occasionally feeling measly abdominal cramps!

Next thing you know-  I'll be aware of blisters, paper cuts, shin bruises, hangnails, and other fantastic maladies I've been missing!

This may sound sarcastic but its not, I promise, its not. It has been years of discovering bloody socks with no recollection of stubbing my toe, or finding a bruise on my funny bone with no remembrance of injury, or getting burned while cooking something but not realizing till a blister bubbles up. Now I have hope of feeling these things! So can I get a non-sarcastic hip-hip-hooray for cramps!?!

For those of you that get uncomfortable with the discussion above and can't sit through commercials where a cup of blue liquid is poured over a sanitary napkin - thank you for reading this far!

Your reward is an awesome video...

black cab sessions:

a group of friends that give artists one take to sing one song in the back of their London cabs

I also recommend Mumford and Sons and Fleet Foxes

I am one with the Frankenstorm

From all I've heard about the storm, the worst we'll get in our little corner of the world is buckets o' rain, gusts of wind, and loss of electricity. I hope best and safest and most okay things for everyone on the east coast where things are predicted to be much worse.

Neil and I are completely okay though. We're more than okay during the storm, we're great.

We are naturally well suited for being shut-in and 100% equipped for a power outage at any given time.

The following statements are completely true with zero exaggeration...

**FOOD: we have regular conversations about the feasibility of a diet based entirely on Cliff bars. We love them so much that we have more than one dozen stock piled on our shelves at all times. Factor in our natural inclination towards applesauce, peanut butter, cereal and pretzels and we're completely fine (no trip to the store needed)

**LIGHTS: we own exactly 160 votive candles left over from our wedding reception. (I found a great deal on ebay). That's a lot of back up lighting.

**ACCESSIBILITY: we are in walking distance to many restaurants, several grocery stores, multiple drug stores, and a lots of pizza joints. In addition, I have a cell phone that was made in the early 2000s and can hold a charge for about 8 days (again, these statements are not exaggerations).

**ENTERTAINMENT: last year the two of us set up a decathlon of games during the dark days of winter. If we lose electric we'll be more than ready to repeat everything from gin rummy to mancala... and this time it will get real real. The stakes are raised, the gauntlet is thrown, and Neil better watch out cause I've only gotten better at connect four!

Not to mention this past weekend I channeled the very Frankenstorm him self...

See, I got this.

And please pass me another Cliff bar.

Toddler Time

I had a wonderful weekend. I had such a great time with friends and birthday celebrations and out of town family and wine and cheese house party and a halloween gathering and a 5K! (more on the 5K later)

I have LOVED seeing people and being out n' about and testing the ceiling of my abilities (physical, mental, and social). However this monday morning I'm paying the fun tax... its a hefty fine.

Neil and I had a talk. We saw the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving filling in with events as I everyone gets excited that I'm feeling better and better.  But the fatigue that accompanies the fun also makes us re-evaluate some of our plans, and seek to find the balance between exploring my limits and getting some rest.

We've decided for the next few weeks we'll reinstate something we invented years ago: "TODDLER TIME" 

Simply put, Toddler Time is a self imposed regulatory system where I only do things a toddler would be allowed to do.

A Quick Guide to Toddler Time:
- Would you take a toddler to a loud, crowded restaurant? no
- Would you go to a steeler game with a toddler? sadly no (don't offer me tickets)
- Would you have nap time for a toddler? yes
- Would you take a toddler to the grocery store? at your own risk
- Would you come visit a toddler at their house? yes please! play date! just call first
- Would you take a toddler to a big house party? probably no
- Would you let a toddler cook dinner? help out, yes. go solo, nope.
- Would you have reading time with a toddler? big big yes!
and so on...

I'm sure I will continue to feel better and better. I hope to keep playing with the boundaries of what I can do. I don't mind venturing forward and pulling back. I want to reach my eventual goal, which is becoming a normal grown lady. So I don't want to stay very extra strict about toddler time and miss out on the whole point of recovery (which is recovering to a "normal").

But for now I will pull back on the reins a bit and settle in with some milk and cookies and a blanket... maybe a cartoon.

I've got class!

well, Its more like "I've got classes"... online classes. and a lot of them!

I've begun to plough stumble through my continuing education courses and I feel both stimulated and exhausted at the same time.

Recently I've celebrated being able to read in increasingly long stretches. I've enjoyed having more clarity of mind, and I've worked on developing more brain activity. (hello, daily crossword!)

Now I see those things as so mentally "passive" compared to pouring over densely worded documents, packing in information, and regurgitating it in tests. All this to work up to 30 credit hours, to reinstate my Nursing License.

I'm struggling a lot and my brain is alarming to let me know just how mad it is that we're not searching the web for episodes of Mad Men, we're calculating the ratio of IV morphine to a comparable PO dose of methadone using the chart in figure 8a.

I lost a lot of my memory of college years but I can testify that nursing is difficult... even these parts.

However I don't want to complain - so here are the good aspects of taking these courses:

1. I'm fascinated!! - The freedom to take any class (and the option of so many topics) has me thrilled! I have been learning fun tid bits about all areas and since, again, I forget just about everything I learned in college, this is new and exciting! Here's just a sampling of the 13 credits I've gone through so far (as you can see I have no career direction as of now):

• The Midwifery Model of Care
• Exercise for Health and Fitness
• Chronic Illness in the Correctional Setting
• Hospice and Palliative Care
• A Nurse's Guide to Pain Management
• Forensic Nursing and School Shooters    
• Rattlesnake Bite 

2. I'm testing the waters. - I suspect someday I may want to go to some school or other, for some degree or another. These classes help me dip my toe into the pool of education and see how well I fair. Its nice to know that right now I need swimmies and a kick board and adult supervision. Its also nice to know that higher learning isn't completely off the table for me. I mean if I can get excited over obligatory online power points, I should probably stay open to a secondary degree right?

3. I'm so very fatigued! - This is not a bad thing, this is a great thing. Sure 1.0 credit hour class takes me 2.35 hours on average, but its cool, I have time. And sure I have brain ache from reading through this stuff most of the time, which wipes me out for other more productive activities. BUT get this friends - yesterday, I spent all day on classes and last night I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!! (you heard that right!) I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! So maybe I just needed to abuse my mind wheels a bit to give me good sleep. Here's to hoping its no fluke and I can keep this up!

Hey, maybe I'll find a class on the topic!

October Date Night

I've mentioned before that I have planned for Neil one date night a month, written out on cards. The initial card for October said "Dinner on the Porch" because when I envisioned how I might feel in October, that sounded like an adventurous night of 'getting out'.

Fast forward two months and we were delighted to read the idea, to be in a place that's much improved from what I imagined, and to say - "You know, maybe we can elevate this a bit!"

In September, Neil went to a family wedding that I couldn't attend which saddened me because I love going to weddings. Inspired by the idea to give me the best of what I love about a wedding, Neil came up with an idea to give me some of what I missed in September (although I could never replace seeing all my family). He went ALL out, it was one of the best weddings I've attended... it was hands down the best phony union I ever saw!

I began by getting dressed very fancy. Following strict orders, I was picked up at our room at 7:00 on the dot. You can't be late for these things, its very rude.

 Our appetizers were only the good cheeses with fancy, spicy mustard. 

Oh look, an open bar (how generous of the Bride and Groom!)

I'll have a coke!

The cocktail hour was on the veranda. 

It went longer than expected, but that happens all the time at weddings (I'm sure the happy couple was taking extra pictures). We just mingled and enjoyed the music, and I ate a brick of cheeses.

Next we were escorted to our seats. 

Typical wedding - the table setting had about one million glasses!

 Neil and I both checked "fish" so we ended up with the tilapia.

I have to say, it was some spectacular wedding food!

I was even allowed to go for seconds of rice with spoonfuls directly from the pan.

(seriously, someone should make-out with this caterer)

Champagne toast! 

I even allowed myself a small glass

(don't worry it's been okayed)

"... and to the bride's family, who made this night happen. You all look fabulous by the way"

 I can't begin to describe the decadence of the reception hall. 

The pictures really don't do it justice! 

They hired a great DJ - their music selection showed highly evolved taste.

We danced and rested and danced some more.

Of course the best part of the night was my handsome date.

After all of this I must confess, I fear a monster has been created. Do I need to say it another time - I LOVE weddings. So as I type this, eating the left over fancy gouda and listening to the "reception" playlist, I have to come clean and tell you that I'm addicted.

I want more fake home weddings (and I want them soon now)!

Please don't be alarmed if you receive an invite in the mail to a fictitious nuptial at our house... maybe it'll be an e-vite (we're not made of money or cardstock). If you find yourself faced with this request - say yes - I promise you don't need to purchase a crockpot or catch a garter.

And pick the fish option, its fantastic.

HAPPY WEEKEND! hope you feel the crisp autumn air

Right now I'm not working but I realize that work can be tough. You've worked hard all week. Most of you have even had difficult commutes...

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So the least I can do is wish you a happy weekend and chat with you about some things.

We are finally using all the pumpkins we've been acquiring from our CSA and we're making this rich soup (but we'll tweak it by roasting the pumpkin/squash first and substituting out cream with potato).

I know this pumpkin soup will only fuel my need for more pumpkin items. I honestly think I would thrive in this Trader Joe's challenge.

I've mentioned before that Neil and I bet on the spreads of all the weekly football games - well I haven't mentioned that this year I've either tied or WON - EVERY SINGLE WEEK!! I only say this now because I worry my lucky-well has run dry. I picked the 49ers minus 8 points last night... in the final seconds Harbaugh made a wise football decision terrible gambling decision and declined a safety so that instead of a push, I lost! I figured I'd brag now incase the rest of the games play out in a similarly painful manor. (THIS is why people say don't gamble - even when its for household chores)

Louis C.K. endorsed a recent stand-up performed by Tig Notaro. Then I got to hear part of it on a (really great) episode of This American Life "What Doesn't Kill You." Finally I read this article with rave reviews of Tig's set. Okay, okay, okay, already, I'll spend $5 and listen to the full thing for myself!

And since I'll never tire of endorsing This American Life - this weeks episode "24 Hours at the Golden Apple" was delightful! It fell into one of my favorite categories - the ones that tell everyday stories of everyday people. Yet this one was special because its about an all night diner in Chicago. As a girl that worked night sifts in that fair city, I spent off-nights "keeping schedule" in the exact same places with my fellow nurses. Here's to Rachel and Laura and Sara and bottomless coffee and really strange people at 3 am!!

Just learned that the smart, funny blog Adulting got picked up as a show via JJ Abrams! I'm ignoring all context and expecting it to resume with Felicity in her mid-twenties. In case you're counting, that's one more young woman getting her own show... you almost have to expect that haters gonna hate.

This weekend, we plan to take a long walk in Highland Park so we can glimpse a broad view of changing leaves along the Pittsburgh hillsides. After years of running these paths, it will be nice to bundle up and walk the hills - maybe even with a warm drink in hand. Maybe I'll even stop on one of the benches to cheer on the running people that look like they might puke ("hey I used to be you, I know you can make it!")

I'm really fascinated by all the endless possibilities that a 3D printer provides. Have you heard they are working on printing viable transplant organs!?! In the meantime, someone 3D printed this $240,000 lightbulb. Well done, innovation, way to go there.

I just love watching this youtube video of Eleanor Roosevelt when she was on the game show "What's My Line?" For the first 6 minutes she absolutely looks miserable! Then when they finally ask her about the UN, she lights up like a christmas tree!! What a lady! I fear she would have been unfairly critiqued by media networks had she been in the White House today.

Speaking of politics today, my friend Tom wrote a post that gave me such a great new perspective on things. Nothing like remembering the good ol' days of dueling pistols to feel happy for "attack" ads on TV.

I eluded to this in my last post - I'm reinstating my nursing license! This doesn't mean I will certainly go back into hospitals, or even definitely work as a nurse. This does mean I will keep my RN, BSN in my pocket just in case. It also means I have 30 hours of continuing education online classes and tests to complete in 11 days!  (so I'm going to learn a lot and I can't wait and I might share factoids with you)

Finally - I'll send you out with a song for your weekend... (warning you can't un-see this)

shaq + karaoke + purple velour  = no idea what an actual dove sounds like

Automated Services

I had three tricky orders of business to take care of today and they all required talking to an actual human on the phone...

This means they all required many minutes of going through many menu prompts and me over enunciating "I would like more options." as the emotionless female recording responds "I'm sorry, could you repeat that again."

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After a long while, I did find people to interact with and they were helpful. At times I heard discouraging statements like "We don't have a primary insurance listed for you." and "Your nursing license expired in 2010! Thats why your RENEWAL form is void - you need a RE-INSTATEMENT form, this is a whole different situation." However, in the end it all worked out.

So with all those webs untangled, I feel good about today. I wouldn't exactly call it productive (considering all the time I spend on hold with "classical" music), but I'd call it a decent day!

I hope yours was spent far from the land of automated services!

Abby Normal

Next weekend is the Halloween 5K run/walk that we signed up for and time is ticking for our costumes. (I talked about it here)

In prior years Neil was Dexter and Jack Baur - so he's keeping a general theme of TV awesomeness and this year I think he will be Walter White!

It's no secret we like Breaking Bad - for our 2nd anniversary (the cotton anniversary), I cross stitched onto some cotton fabric the likeness of Heisenberg himself...

(and they said I wasn't domestic!)

For the Freaky 5K, Neil envisions a bald cap, a nice button down, khakis, glasses, etc...

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But my cousin Ryan suggested that he run in, um, well... the Walter of early Season 1

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Which is way more aerodynamic, I'll give him that.

look at him go!

Either way I need to get on this recipe for homemade blue rock candy - because the fake crystal meth won't make itself, friends.

I've already settled on re-using my Statue of Liberty costume, but I want something new and fun for passing out candy. Our neighborhood gets SO many trick-or-treaters and I love it!!!

I was thinking maybe Frankenstein. (too soon?) With an awesome head scar and years of brain lapses, I'm shocked Neil hasn't taken to calling me "Abby... Abby Someone"

Have you picked your costume yet? I'd love to know what you're going to be! Its such a fun time of year!!

so many trailers! (but its all about Les Mis)

Last week I was sick on top of all this and it was a mess. Through the weekend I felt much better and now I think I'm back to just recovery. (I never thought I'd be so happy to just feel achy and blah!)

I'm back to being able to walk during the day now that I can lift my head again and I can even focus enough to check a few things off the list of ever growing things that have to get done!

But last week I had the luxury of doing one of my favorite things - laying down and watching movie trailers. I love it more than watching the actual movie most of the time (low commitment, high reward, great song in the background). Here are some that stood out....


Smashed

This trailer intrigued me. This articled fascinated me. And come on, I just love Aaron Paul!


The Silver Linings Playbook

Going off a theme of "one's better self" from the last trailer - this movie seems to hit the note perfectly. Plus I'm really happy to see Bradley Cooper doing something with depth! Didn't know he had it in him.


Stand Up Guys

When I read the info, I thought this movie was going to be a combination of 25th Hour and Wild Hogs, but after watching the trailer, I think it works. I'm actually really into it.


This is 40

Ok, ok, the movie might have recycled Apatow jokes and the same cast he always uses - but I happen to like that cast (Mann! Rudd!) and my last two favorite romantic comedies were Apatow productions (Bridesmaids and 5 Year Engagment) so I'm on board.


The Love of Beer

This documentary is interesting to me - mostly because my fascination in Neil's home brewing has increased greatly over the last year or so. Maybe someday I'll find myself standing by a giant cask, or taking a deep inhale from a pile of hops.


Les Miserables - Extended First Look

This is one of my favorite books and its my favorite musical - FINALLY I think they've made a movie to do it justice.

Is there anything you love to settle in and do on a sick day? Are there any movies you can't wait to see? Any trailers that grabbed your attention lately?

a good (looking) cause

I don't know if you've ever met my neighbor - the unique and fabulous Michael - if not I hope you do someday.

He works as a hairdresser at Glam Salon in Shadyside and very recently he has combined his profession with his very huge heart!

From now until October 27th you can call Glam Salon (412 681 0690) and schedule a hair cut. When you do, all $35 of your cut will go to the Bethleham Haven Women's Shelter! (just be sure to mention the shelter when you schedule)

If you you want to help but aren't in the mood for a new look, they are also accepting women's deodorant and women's socks. Then the hairdressers will take all donations and money to the shelter late this month when they go and make dinner for the women that stay there.

So here's the deal, I know two things: (1) it feels great to see success in a project that Michel takes on, especially for such a worthy cause and (2) it feels great to get a new hair style!.... so if figured why not pass this along.

MY hair? you're wondering about my hair?

so kind of you to ask! thank you!

its a mess.

The shaved surgical patch is growing in so fast. Its fairly healthy looking and full, unfortunately, my scant and scraggly long hair barely covers it. I've taken to calling the back of my head 'nature's bumpit'. If you've never moved a bouffant pouf to the back of your head - long thin hair on the sides, nothin' on top - let me just save you the trouble - its not pretty!

its this kind of fabulous in all the wrong places

Lately I've been teasing up other parts of my hair to compensate (mostly by laying around and not combing it - don't judge). My other option is to pull my hair up in a pony tail, unfortunately, this exposes the fast growing patch again - and if you thought the bumpit was bad, oh man, the "hidden rat tail" is way worse. If I let this go much longer, it'll have to be renamed the "under mullet" and I tried to look for a google image of that - it's not a style. Under Mullet doesn't exist in even in the mullet-est of places.

So know I need to get a cut to fix things and I don't know what that cut will be. A friend suggested the "Carrie Mulligan." I google imaged her and I find her to be freaking adorable.

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I'll do what we all do- take a red carpet picture of a gorgeous actress to a salon

tell them "make me look like this"

and expect the blond that had 5 hours of prep to appear magically, 

in place the brunette that hasn't showered in days.

(that being said - what you you think of the long layered pixie cut? could I totally be her?!?)

eh, whatever my hair troubles, I know Michael will fix it! At the very least he's fantastic at compliments, small talk, and pampering - I could us an afternoon of that too!

As a side note, I do have gratitude that my problems in this post deal with rogue hair and not where I will sleep tonight... the work done Bethlehem is truly wonderful.

getting Job

For anyone that wasn't at church this week - here is a link to my sermon on Job chapter 2

"Should we only accept good things from the hand of God

and never anything bad?"

**note: I still have a very jumbled brain so the sermon has some pauses where I collect myself - in person these may have felt short, however it translates not so well in podcast form. Maybe I'm being harsh though - who doesn't cringe at the sound of their own voice? is that a standard rule?

On a related note, here's a link to free online Sudoku, because if you're going to spend time with an audio link, I may as well give you a visual distraction. (I also recommend USAtoday crossword)

My friend Tricia also wrote such a lovely blog post about her thoughts on the topic. (its wonderful to read - especially if you don't have the time to listen to the sermon, plus she doesn't say "um" nearly as much as I do)

I'm still not feeling much better from Monday so I'll be enjoying the blue skies from bed. I'm keeping a routine of water, heating pad, water, crackers, water, tea, water.

I hope your wednesday holds equal or greater amounts of excitement!

on fire for columbus day

This weekend was wonderful.

I had visitors and lots of my favorite cool weather things - tomato bisque, warm bread, sweet treats with hot tea, and roasted squash (thank you Doug and Gabby for all of that!).

I took walks bundled up with scarves and fall sweaters- which always feels new after a year on my shelves.

I even got to attend church again for the first time! I was so blessed to see so many people I love in one place (and so honored to have the chance to share as well)!

All of my weekend quest was grand and ambitious and truly terrific...

Then today landed on me and I felt terrible. I had sharp headaches and my body felt so sore. I wrote it all off a just paying the fun tax. I'm used to pain in exchange for a good day or two.

Around 5pm I complained said to Neil - "I just feel extra achy. Its miserable" and he said "on the off chance, do you want to take your temperature?"

boom. fever.

And in honor of today's holiday, I'll say that if this weekend was dreams of floating towards Spain, today I ended up firmly planted on Plymouth Rock.

At least I have one more thing to look forward to when I heal... the day when I know I'm sick because I can actually FEEL sick. The day I don't have to deduce feeling terrible by sifting through other symptoms of feeling blah.  When that day comes, I'll be the happiest "healthy" sick girl around, grinning stupidly and winking at the cashier when I buy nyQuil and vicks. I seriously can't wait.

the self-same well

I've been thinking a lot about the ability to appreciate life's highs and lows.

I've also been thinking this poem gets even better with about the fifteenth re-reading.

(have I mentioned that I've had some thinking time on my hands lately?)

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

The self-same well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears...

the deeper that sorrow carves into your being,

the more joy you can contain. 

~Kahlil Gibran 

debated.

Politically speaking, I like BOTH Steven Colbert and John Stewart so don't say I'm not open minded...

The only thing I'm against is all the face book opinion onslaughts.

This guy's picking up what I'm putting down...

So in a complete disregard for any logic in that last sentence, I'm going to post some political things.

a reasonable article to all the christians.

a non-partisan website with all the candidates which takes you through questions and helps you determine your best match.

factcheck.org for an unbiased review of what candidates say.

and only five days left to make sure your voter ID matches your photo ID and get registered!!

(now we can return to our regularly scheduled programing.)

to sleep, perchance, to hibernate

Last night I slept. 

zzzzzzz.

My sleep was disrupted here and there (as always) but there was a new developement... the on and off lasted oh so long!

I got up today at 11:40. That's almost lunch people!

And I only got up because I got a long phone call - by no means did I want to emerge from my cocoon of blankets.

I believe something dangerous has happened to me... just like a child raised by vegans that goes to his first slumber party and says "what is buffalo chicken dip?"... after four years and four months of a fight with the night, I have found slumber.

There's no turning back. I just want more.

I will see you again at the first thaw of spring.

The Lovely Month

Despite all pain and difficulty woven through September, it had tastes of sweetness and sighs of beauty better than I've known in my whole life. They had nothing to do with recovery, and everything to do with humanity...

I got to experience 

romantic dinners

 Perfect afternoons of gifts:

bright daisies, a satchel of dark chocolates, and a book I just can't put down

Speaking of books, I've been lent so many good ones. 

On the left are the ones I've read, on the right are the ones I itch to dive into.

(so if you lent me a book, it might not come back to you right away, but it will be adored)

Mornings on the porch made more wonderful with the new pillows.

Thank you Gabby and Doug!!

Our weekly routine: taking a walk to pick up our CSA.

look at the bounty!

Crock pot chili for sunday football

and Neil read an entire book to me (Picture of Dorian Gray),

Its been about 20 years since I've had the treat of a bedtime story.

Long, leisurely walks.

 And in the city, we have the joy of stopping to smell the "flowers"

More perfect afternoons of gifts:

sun kissed flowers, a mug to help me "make do and mend", a cozy blanket, and a great novel.

The rustic cabbage soup that I said Neil would make (and boy did he ever!)

Of everything I enjoyed, it was the notes and visits that I loved most.

This month, I got to feel the reassuring weight of a newborn in my arms.

I got to have the comfort of a toddler, cuddle into me while they play, because they like me and not because of how might feel.

I got to connect with friends and family - in person, on the phone, even with cards - where I would catch myself laughing, forgetting for a moment that I hurt.

And I got to go to bed each of the thirty nights saying I am blessed.

it was a lovely month.